Turkey- Rainbow 2019

After Sky left to Poland I fell into a strange feeling of emptiness because Sky had gone. I spend some more days in the Hippy house and then I announced my leaving. It came to me that Jukon wanted to come along and i was happy to leave with a friend.
We hitchiked to a nearby river and spend some days camping next to it. We filled the days with the playing of Chess and swimming in the early hours of our awakening. His singing voice could often be heard amongst the ripplings of the water.

After some days of cooking on a fire and walking around our dreams it was time to leave.
He had a girlfriend who invited him to come and it was time that I left for Turkey.

I spend some more time on the streets of Sofia getting sick and thinking about my life untill I finally found enough love and encouragment inside of myself to catch the ongoing wind of opportunity.

A friend of mine gave me 200 euro's.

She gave this to me so that I could go to the Turkish Rainbow without delay and suffering.

I highly appreciated it.

Money seems to end all suffering. Or at least, it transforms you into a place where social poverty could be ignored more easily.

At this time, I was contacted by a friend of mine who was on her way to the Rainbow and she frequenly gave me updates about where she was. I took the bus to Alexanderpolis, planning on going to the Turkish rainbow alone, for my friend was somewhere in the area of Thessaloniki spending time with her daughter.

But as i walked out of the busstation I heard my name. "Cestmir!!"
It was my friend with her daughter.

They had arrived in Alexanderpolis from Thessaloniki and had stepped out of the car of the man who brought them here seconds before they stumbled upon me.

"Marian!"
I hugged her very much and then felt more than happy to introduce myself to her daughter.

Her name was Gold and I fell in love with her.

I found another piece of the puzzle when i looked in her eyes.

' I thought so already."
When i confessed my love to Marian for her daughter she told me that she already knew that I would fall for her.

Damn. but how could i stop myself.
She was another shiny marble in the seas of clues. 

I seemed to never stop being honest about the love that I deemed neccesary in this life.

The next moments were a blissful few when I followed Gold to a cafe to drink something with her.
Marian was still there to remind me that there was still some reality that needed my attention. 

So I told them about my plans and that I already had a busticket to Turkey. I invited them to come with me but they wanted to catch a ride across the border. Our roads seemed to seperate quiker than I wanted but Gold gave me a present from her personally: She had heard that my phone was broken and she let me borrow her phone so that I can give it back to her when I had found the Rainbow. 

It was a masterpiece of a gift. It was everything I wanted and more. It was a symbol of her undying love for me. It was a heart that she trusted me with. 

So I left them with my new phone and went inside Turkey alone,


But the phone brought me company sooner than i thought.

There was a girl in the town where the bus had taken me that wanted to meet me. 
She had seen my post on the rainbow forum where I posted where I was located and she was happy and surprised that I was located in her hometown.
She had never been to a rainbow gathering but she loved the vibe and she wanted to meet. So I had an appointment with her.

Another marble in the seas awaited me and I was more than happy and open to experience what life gave me: It was a beautiful passionate girl, that externalized her freedom and gave me a sense of direction in a troubled world. 

We met the next day and immediatly there was a huge connection. I was pleasantly surprised that God had put a very beautiful girl once again on my path and I could not help but love the way she talked and expressed herself. 

I think she liked me to because she trusted me and laughed a lot. 
Chemistry was created and Dawn had become a piece of my heart.
She took care of me in the next few days, bringing me food, letting me meet her sister and mother, and taking me to a park where I could sleep. 

But even after all this kindness there was an even bigger surprise. She decided that she was going to take her mother's car, drive to Istanbul and she wanted me next to her on that journey to take me all the way to the Rainbow gathering that was going  to happen close to her end destination. 

I was feeling so happy. Dawn had an appointment in Istanbul and it would be an honour for her to drive me to the entrance of the rainbow before she went to her appointment. 

She had freed me from a future where I had to travel alone to the rainbow and she had given me a few extra hours alone with the beauty that she was. I was thrilled. 

The roadtrip was amazing! We laughed so much together! She was a beautiful piece of art that needed to be satisfied with all the love in the world because she deserved it. 

She was a goddes. A true pearl in the lands of sexual energy. I loved her but I let her go. I didn't want to involve myself in her life too much and when I found the rainbow with her, she could only stay for a few hours. She said goodbye to me and she made me promise to see her in Istanbul after. 

I was doomed. There was so much beauty in this world. How could I ever choose? 

I gave Gold her phone back and spend some days and afternoons with her, talking and casually flirting with the beautiful girl. In those days, I was still loyal to the pains that the past gave me and I could not yet be honest and forward with the desires and the confidence that I would later have. Gold would leave and I would stay behind, to choose solitude above the clumsiness of life. 

The World Rainbow Gathering in Turkey - 2022

I had aligned myself with a lot of rainbows in these years and i always liked them because they were filled with adventures. It were small gatherings where all sorts of weird behavioural patterns and strange views were present. You could test your comfort zone and test out your identity as you interacted with them. And there was no shortage of people who were willing to love beyond social standards. Every boundary was tested and every night there were so many emotional outbursts and lovers that it could make you sick. Life is what you make of it. After ten small rainbows, i have had the privilege to see how you could spend your life, engaged with your hobbies hopefully without sorrow. A rainbow was a cultural hub of hobbies. All kinds passed you by as you find yourself taking a stroll. I use this space to develop an awareness towards my habits and integrate with the meaning of their existence. And while i was exploring, i met and stayed in contact with amazing characters that shared my interests and they became family to me. One of those boys came one day in my hometown to visit me. He was on route to three rainbows in the east and he asked me to join. His name was Sun. The same Sun that I met in Mersin with Demian and then later in Albania. He accompanied a boy called Moon and they travelled in his van. When i introduced myself to Moon, he stated that we knew eachother from a rainbow three years ago, and so the story started. After a few days with me in Enschede they left to go to the east and I made plans to go, when the world allowed me, to the third rainbow that they had planned.  This was the World Gathering in Turkey. i had never been to a World Gathering before. I heard that it was big and messy. On the small rainbows you might develop a family feeling with everyone present but the World Gathering would count 2000 heads and the energy to talk to everyone of them and create deeper friendships with all would be very hard to maintain. There were to be more Private groups and more distance between people. It would be a challenge to see and it would be very interesting how this large group would exist. Two months passed in Enschede and i had finally concluded my business. It was about time to see my friends again. It would surely not be an easy job, to guide 2000 souls to harmony and I wanted to not only see how the rainbow would handle itself but also to give it some help. I knew there was a lot of neglection everywhere and people were afraid. I wanted to help the rainbow and teach myself the language of connection; with everyone and everything. 

 If we align with more and more integrity to our own emotions, we become more and more aware of the magical opportunity to have relatable connections with everyone without giving up the slow steady rhythm that builds our character. 


we will become a painting ourselves 
we will linger in the vibrational match of our future
and we will have empathy for all of our addictions

A girl called Moana introduced herself to me and i felt a power eminating from her. She was quite small but she tied her hair in braids and wore her clothes in such a fashion that you had the feeling that she was the one that was taller and far more experienced than you.  The trivial upstearing of knowledge or the dooming presence of façades were childish play compared to the way Moana presented herself.  In the first few days I didn't see her smile. It looked as if she was watching over her tribe; silently and with accurate description. She was just one of the many who caught my eye. In the sum of days, I had met and shook the hands and hugged many countless indiviuals who all came here with just one reason: To escape the monotone cities of death. Here, they could lay down their guard and come to life. For many of the people, this was the only wish they could ask for. For some more experienced rainbow goers there was the occasional hook up and romantic get-away. But noone could argue that the rainbow was a gathering place of love. Not everyone was accustomed to it: The newcomers would hide in bushes and be ashamed of it. They came in contact with something that was not ofted experienced and therefore, they observed for the first few days with gentle curiosity and shame that they actually like what they see untill they eased their way in the new normal. There was one girl who seemed lost. I had not spoken to her but I came in contact with her smile sometimes. It was a pleasant and very attractive girl for me and I woke up one day and decided to hang out with her. I was a bit scared at this point that I objectifed her but as I had observed her and knew her patterns a little bit, I introduced myself and felt at ease that I didn't want to focus on getting inside her panties. I just had to make her feel home. I reacted on her humor with vigor and abandoned all common sense. She spoke very little english and she was giddy almost all the time. She tried so hard to connect and I found that we had a similiar kind of need for attention. 

I presented myself as someone who did not have high standards when I interacted with her and surprisingly I loved the idea. I felt released from the expectations to succeed and find. It was quite honorable and I silently thanked her that she reminded me that I was here to enjoy any conversation or person that wanted my presence. Later, I hugged her from behind at night and whispered that I wanted to kiss her as we enjoyed each other's company. She wanted it too. The rainbow was a gathering place of people who were unsure if they were rightfully alive. Most of us came to the rainbow because we suffered from loneliness and we had a feint hope that there could be someone who would poetically desire us and give us a feeling of belonging. And it did not matter in which feeling or emotion we believed or went through, because these persons that we would find could see solice and redemption and meaning in the state of being that we choose. Sometimes, individuals forget how powerful they are. They gave power to outside forces and it is a slow process to let them remember how they extract their own inner power when no one is watching and teach them how they could do the same when they are surrounded by staring and curious strangers. It is the journey of becoming one with your body. 

 I met a man who claimed to be a firekeeper of the rainbow tribe. At first I was afraid to form a connection with him, İ could see how the role that he had given himself was heavy and perfect in his eyes. He loved his own role and he found complete pleasure in keeping the fire holy. He reminded me of myself when, at certain points, İ viewed my storytelling gift as all important. He had a stick and every night he would make sure that the gathered people around the fire would take of their shoes, respect the flames and put wood inside that was perfect. Some of the people were scared of him and İ couldn't blame them. His attitude towards his job was professional and personal. İ observed him over the days and nights and the bond that he felt with his responsibility was extended far beyond pitty personal fear of rejection. He molded completely with his own rapture and vulnerable emotion. He inspired me with the dignity in which he praised the human body to serve. İt seemed that the World Rainbow Gathering attracted these humans who lived decades in the name of beautified bewilderment and gave their talents without thought to the greater good of the Rainbow. At the end of the month, İ had become a friend of his and İ could see that he was aware that some people had been scared of him and it broke his heart. He wanted nothing more than a place among friends where he was accepted. İ had become more and more intrigued as İ ventured further into these desires that were also within me. İt was unbelievable to acknowledge that these desires could be finding their destinations. And by wandering around on a World Rainbow Gathering İ began to believe, that life could be a gift for those that seek redemption. It just takes courage to say that you found it and that you have claimed it long ago. We are often not giving ourselves praise for things that we accomplished. As I give space to the people around me to search for freedom all by themselves I am confronted by the fact that not all people can search for it all by themselves, some need a little push to ascertain certain frequencies within themselves that they did not believe were there. When I was outside of the rainbow for a few days I got a text message from my mom. She gave me the news that the best friend of my little brother had committed suicide. She was 20 years old. In a moment of sadness she hung herself in her sleeping room. Some people live in solitude for so long that they cannot find the sunrays anymore. I found a girlfriend somewhere among these people. Her name and posture reminded me of a dark skinned fairytale princess. She was tiny and loudmouthed when she needed to. Knowingly searching for a type of redemption that she could reckognize. We found in eachother a piece of the puzzle that could lead us. I asked for a kiss in exchange for the poem I gave her and she would think about it. We kissed the following day and learned to  embrace eachother in the woods. Sometimes, when we were in the midst of our sexual pleasure, I could see the girl who commited suicide reflected in her face. Life and Death seemed to be playing with our experience and they asked for redemption in a secure place of  gratittude. After two weeks she broke up with me because she loved me too much and I didn't give her the space she deserved. Time was different when you walk the rainbow path and it seemed that our feelings had risen and fallen together with the breath of the forest around us. There was a magical essence on every rainbow that made time stop. And every individual now had the delighted opportunity to form a deeper connection with the part of themselves that had no connection or relation to time. Time did not really abondon us but it was this feeling of relentless fortitude that left us. The ticking of the clock had less control over us and instead we could form a bond with the time that exists only out on the sea. The motion of rippling water bubbled to the surface and we moved in harmony with its waves. This form of time was hidden in the air and it was an essence of the present. We all had the beautiful awareness that life was much more simple and harsh than society wanted us to believe: Life was more organically constructed. And through all ordeals, we could hold hands with this magic and let ourselves be washed by it.

There was a girl called Sea inbetween this ordeal of time that saved my life a couple of times. At moments when my mind would fail to grasp the emotion that ran underneath the grounds, Sea would be there, to save me from my own questions. She and I would go on trips and our common view on the intellect of love would make us laugh and wander in eachothers arms, to forgive all what has been before. She was there when I heard about the suicide and she was the one who felt every small intuitive gesture of vulnerability that my heart gave to me. Sometimes, when we want to process an experience, it cannot be processed by us alone, it has to be shared. But who is there to share it with? who is there who can carry the emotional release that we crave for? Or could feel the disturbance in my energy field when I got the text message and without knowing, gave me small nuances of her acceptance of me. And the way she accepted me was beautiful. It was a tender forgiveness, and acceptance of all what had been before. 

Time was wandering through this time with Fire in her hands and I could visit her. We came to the gathering together with Hir and he became a part of the council while Time was more focused on her inner journey that brought her closer and closer to the past. There were many couples who came to the rainbow lands, seeking guidance and help to overcome the problems and miscommunications between men and women. There were many of us who wanted to redeem themselves in front of their loved ones and they didn't posses the mindset and the vocabulary to feel their power. Many of us were believing in the magic of the sea but couldn't yet swim in its currents. The ticking of the clock distracted us and it took some time to understand the world without fear. 

One of the concepts of every rainbow is the talking circle. A circle is formed with participants who are gathering together because of their interest in the same topic. Every talking circle has a single topic and the ones who feel commited to this topic can join the circle, that is build specifically to hold space for this one topic to be examined and discussed. The talking circle can go on for ages and the participants can join and leave whenever, in this period of time. The rules are simple. A material symbol of peace is introduced to the group. This can be a stick or a stone or whatever you choose. This symbol is being passed round the circle over time. Whoever receives the symbol can talk and express themselves in regard to the topic that has been chosen. We all know the topic because the initiator had shouted this topic very loud across the rainbow and we all gathered from far away to meet him and sit down with him. When someone passes the symbol, it means that she said everything she wanted to say and she gives the turn to the next one. This goes on untill we are all tired of the topic or the ceremony begins that concludes the end of any talking circle. This ceremony is very simple. At any moment, someone can decide that they want the circle to end. At this moment, they can offer the suggestion that the symbol will be passed round the circle in silence. Nobody speaks. And if the symbol returns thus to the person that had offered this suggestion, the circle ends and everyone can go on with their lives. Some of these circles can take days but this is very rare. The most normal talking circles last between two and three hours. So you better bring a pillow and some tea. We try to acknowledge the sacredness of this act of speaking but most of the circles are messy and inconsistant. I forgot to say that we open the circle by performing an OOM and we close the same way but this ritual of OOM is used almost in everyone of our circles so best to remember. 
I love the talking circles personally. I really admire the magic behind it and what it can teach us in our daily life. 

As I wandered in this magical place, I found myself occupied with talking circles a lot. Especially the talking circles of the counsel. I just use the word 'counsel'to make a distinct seperation between two ilusionary worlds. The counsel was nothing more than some group of humans who wanted to take on some of the responsibility that could be found here and use that responsibility to help the rainbow survive without any unnecessary problems. They gathered every day. And I found myself one of them. I was curious. This was the first time I attended a world gathering and lots of people said that I had the potential to be one of the responsibility guys so I joined the counsel. Words and actions were shared, while the rainbow went on around us and we discussed what could be done better and which problems we encountered. It was a lot of fun to be sitting there and listening, observing and taking a bigger part in the whole responsible world of reality. I became a known face in the counsel and I took a few jobs very personally. If I could not do them, I could explain it to the counsel and we could find another solution together. Every day was an adventure. It was wonderful to see how the counsel members were each very serious about their jobs and forgot to take their responsibilities with a smile and a loving insecurity. It was wonderful to see how we worked together to think of a solution, and how we fought sometimes in order to get our frustration out and remind ourselves that there are difficulties that we can not overcome alone. The counsel also worked as a bridge between the outside world and the rainbow. Some of us were in contact with the police and tried to create a friendship between us. The police had said for instance that we had to move all the tents of everyone to another location, or that there can be no small campfires in the forest. We tried to listen and instigate actions to make the familiy aware of the guidelines of the police but it takes time to get 2000 hippies to listen and act in accord of the authority. 

 A fire was made and all the opposing and all the agreeable forces were at war. I was friends with everybody and i waited. I listenend like always and talked and played my part as the storyteller they all though was me and waited. This war came to my doorstep and i had only to accept the invitation to care and i was in the game. Many talking circles it took and many debates back and forth but then it was paying day. At the moment of exhale, the opposing forces did not want to sit in the last talking circle to debate again so i was send to speak for them and oppose the fire in the forest. The storyteller  could not believe its luck. A beautiful girl had been the spokesperson to deliver me the news the opposing forces agreed upon and Cestmir had been signed, sealed and delivered to the country of birth: Chaos. So i took a leisurely stroll to the campsite of my friends and joined the talking circle. And as a good citizen, i defused the happiness of my friends and denied them acces to warmth. A great upheavel roared alive and i wavered only a little bit inside. I was asked to clarify my disposition and the storyteller manouvered his way around the truth but truth has to prevail and so i took a moment of silence and said: "I deny the existence of this fire because a beautiful girl asked me to." 

Serious threats rained down and i should burn in hell for my theatric horny instincts and mind games but in between the cold and angry responses was a heartbeat that they all felt and when there responses died down, they began to listen to this heartbeat and they realized that my horny instincts made it possible for them to release emotion. This emotion spoke about the love and the care that they had of this fire. This emotion was a surprising but welcoming gift and they began to thank me for it. And so, Cestmir had survived the war. The fear and agony of denial had vanished and I granted them no resistance further. 

It was Noam who completely understood the power hungry storyteller that i was and she made me think twice about my need to experience further chaotic situations. Silence was the best policy. And confrontation gives rise to questions so i started to dial down. The most inner joy dies when we pretend to be. She could depict that I was making me feel special for the sake of joy and i had to learn that true joy was never born from the act of creation but from creation itself. 

how to introduce myself?

"Hello! I am Cestmir and I have a lot of girlfriends!" 

No. I don't want to introduce myself like this.

"Hello! I am Cestmir and I like love." 

No. not quite right.

Damn. This is really difficult.

I feel that everything what we say will be judged. -

"Hello, My name is Cestmir and I have been thinking of you ever since you came."

No, a little bit creepy.

"Hello, I am Cestmir and I am an Introvert who made himself an Extravert.'

Mmm, maybe that is potentially the right introduction.

But I must say that it is far more valuable if I say:
"Hello, I am a human"

When I had a conversation with my ex, ex, ex, ex, exgirlfriend about my flaws and her flaws and we tried to come together in harmony, I understood that we were both trying to win. or at least, hang on to our own cycle of self denial, but then I knew that the only thing that could break this cycle was pure honesty that shredded the integration of our destinies from each other. I told her that a part of me hated her. and I said this with such a meaning behind it and with such love for her and a piercing pain that she suddenly felt for the first time that she was talking to a human. this was an act of pure surrender because this was the last thing I wanted to do to her and me. I love to be kind and nice but I knew that I needed to give her critism without an uplifting feeling. I needed, ofcourse, to propel myself in my vulnerability after I said this to balance the transaction of feelings. and this took a lot of courage. but in the end she and I could solve our problems and go our seperate ways with a feeling of fulfillment.

So, compromise is really an act of surrender. to give it all up and seize. But this is not bad. there is no good or bad. there are just limits to our capabilities. and if we surrender completly, do we have the power to keep courage intact?

The little girl

Since I took the decision to turn my head again to The Netherlands I have been conscious that I did it because I wanted to understand more about the interaction between heart and mind while living amidst the chaos of the human race. When someone asks me what my worst experience is on my travels I say: 'That I sometimes stay too long in a place because I feel attracted to forget that I exist and I dwell in the lingering presence of lives without taking part of it.' Most of the times it is because I want to stay enslaved to the feeling of being close to emotion. 

let me just say that I discovered the little girl. The story starts with her.

After the travel with my brother I travelled for five months through Macedonia, Albania, France and Germany before going back for Christmas to The Netherlands.

It was on a beach when I met her. 

I slept. I woke up. I saw. 

A girl, with a sketch book.

The world allowed me to feel it's contraction and I was eager to dismiss it. Because there has been a lot of moments where I was highly attracted to a woman,and the wolf inside of me felt a sudden urge to rush into the magical world of infatuation but at these times, I lost a part of me because I didn't went in for the kill.
and so it started. Another journey towards self control.

I was proud that I dismissed it. But existence wanted me to talk to her and therefore I saw her 10 minutes later on another beach.

Her appearance was peculiar. Her figure was busy drawing and it was time for me to enter her story.

I walked up to her and when she was made aware of my presence she looked up. I was greeted with a manner of compassion that I did not had the priviledge of seeing before. It was almost a melody in an ancient secret that renewed the cycle of life. And my days of joy were found. 

The day before, I went to sleep with the question: "What is happiness?"
And I watched as my answer began to interact with me. 

"Hello!!! How good of you to say Hi! I have just been drawing and It is so nice to have company."

While she talked she laid no claim to the numerous topics that slided into eachother effortlessly and the joy of living was shared thoughtlessly. It was truly a great honor to be at the side of such a wicked play of righteousness. She swept me up in her enthusiasm to celebrate the rigidness, the slime, the gruesome longing of what the moment held in its power. 

She was a little girl who seemed the most innocent in her excitment. She had a range of topics that she could easily arrange in her bag of tricks. 

When the evening showed its face I was happy to leave her. I felt that I could not possible take advantage of her time. But then she gracefully invited me to eat with her in a restaurant and I followed.  It was not only her attitude that resembled a pure kid but her mind was a dungeon of open roads. 

There was no fear that she was not scared of, no spark that triggered her to be ashamed. 
The night was ours. Her restaurant was already fully booked and we went to my favourite restaurant to talk for hours and hours untill the closing times made us walk. 

I never experienced such a diverse and intense day as I had with her. 

And so, after long consideration I guided her to a very romantic spot overlooking the lake. The bay where we sat was seated in shadow with some faded light around us. It was almost as if some theater wrote a screenplay. 


Her name is Star and she comes from America to teach this boy a lesson in humillity. 

Sometimes I can be a slave to my own habits. For instance, the habit to make sure that Attraction is fought for. Star made me see that attraction had more depth and insights that I held possible. It was a simple act of teaching myself more social skills. 

And then we kissed. It was triggered by my old habits and wounds. but she didn't mind. she had wondered if this was going to happen. She said that the kiss was a greeting and we confessed that it had no meaning but we liked it anyway so we kissed again. 

Three days were about to follow. Three days where the dark mysteries and superficial light were closely intertwined.

On the first day she came to the beach where I lived in a cave. She met my friends and I saw how her tireless joy made us unite. Curious she asked, demanded and found redemption. 

On the second day she met my True Love. The girl called Fountain who I had known for some years and who was closely intertwined with my destiny. 
I saw how the Little girl and my True Love interacted and it was innocence and joy at its finest. 

On the third day we woke up in an abandoned house and found that the love we were sharing was quite special actually. 

When she went away that evening to carry out the rest of her life I was quite fulfilled. She had given me the rarity and the uniqueness of intertwined dreams that had eaten their course and had no complaints. 

I later found out that she cried for me in the bus towards her next adventure. It had been for her a three day walk in a fairytale. She said that she had met the gatekeeper to a realm she had been looking for all her life but was not sure, now that she found it, if she was meant to open it and go through. 

Months past and we kept in contact. She was in Berlin after her summer holiday and I was travelling through Albanie when finally I came to the South of France where I made the decision to go back home. It was clear to me that I wanted to experiment some more within the realms of interaction. Almost with a sigh of annoyance I surrendered to the loyal subject inside of me that wanted to be around people. And I understood one thing.

The path to enlightenment could not be affected by mere choice. 

Ottherwise we would be very limited by the choices that we could make and we will be surrendered to a reality of suffering.

So it is amazing to know that whatever happens, we are on our journey. We are on the same journey always. The journey of self acceptance and understanding. 

This journey consist of the simple act of redeeming ourselves for what we choose to be loyal to. 
and the layers that we put upon the present moment slowly fall from our shoulders. They are like garments that  drape themselves around us, waiting for the recognision to finally do nothing but exceed pleasure and thus, let go. 


This is what happened in South of France. I could either follow the path  to Star and let her guide me some more in the realms of love or I could hide in Sardinie and relish my own uniqueness. 

It was one early morning in the south of france where a poet's feet guided him back to his home country. He made a detour first around Germany where he met Star and some of his friends but then, once again, he sat foot in the Netherlands. 

There was something leading me back every time to Enschede. There was a story to discover. There, in the ruins of my childhood, I felt that there was a moment of bravery somewhere hidden in the blank space of conversations and revelations. 

The skill to find value is a skill that many of us do not even dare to master. 


This time, I introduced my parents to the Little Girl. And I accomplished a dream I had for years. She came to spend Christmas with my family and I could experience how I acted around the dream that I had long wished for. When I met her in Berlin she was emerged in her studies and the fairytale that we had made in Macedonia had stayed there. I visited her every day while I stayed with my dear storyteller friend and the time in Berlin was very enjoyable. She made me feel accepted and loved. I felt that our relationship was on the verge of changing but I didn't pay it any mind. 
She gave me the abillity to see all the personality that I gathered over the years and through the interaction with her it could find some comfort to be joyful. I broke and mended all the dots that I instigated over the years. She was and is a symbol of my childish hope for redemption. 

This is where it came down to: I relished the feeling of emotion and the melancholy of the past. Sometimes I choose to put myself in a situation of rigidness. I wait. Untill redemption finds me. It never does. 

And that was why the little girl was discovered. 

She guided me through my enormous stubborness to find that it is my responsibility to travel further if by any means I can not find comfort. I had to leave stagnation behind and forgive myself for being alone. 

How she did this?

Well, by being Star ofcourse. 

Christmas was spent with a laugh and a forgiving insight in the change of time. Star enjoyed her presence in Enschede and I felt very seen and welcomed in her casual embraces and comforting wisdom. She knew that the only thing that was really neccesary in life was hope. And she had a lot of hope to give. You could maybe wonder if she kept something for herself but it was truly remarkable to see how she had all this energy. 

We spend one night watching a movie and she played the guitar for me when she sang. 
We slept in the same bed and it was here where I humped for the last time against a girl while she was sleeping. 
I felt so bad right after I did it and the whole night I was terrified for her reaction and I did not know what to do or say. When she awoke in the morning with her usual ray of hope and her smile that evaporated pain I decided not to say anything. But it ate at me and it took me some weeks to find the courage to come clean. 

Star gave personal questions to my brothers about me and it was clear that my brothers and me had so much respect for each other but we had never learned how to be the emotional type that needed to share intimate details to feel comfortable. Star was a beautiful being of hope and laughter and joy and deep darkness that interacted with the family that took care of my past. It was as if a beautiful mermaid came to the surface to see for herself what the stories were all about. I absolutely loved the meaning behind Star because she made me aware of the preciousness that could be found if I were to be able to let go of my need to give attention to love. I would feel it as a duty to give extra attention to love because love had to know that I gave it empathy. 

Star went away and my journey in Enschede was only just beginning. 

It seemed that the little girl had given me her best wishes because it was not soon after her disappearance that I took part of a project that involved a vegan biological restaurant. And not just any random one. No, this one was part of me. When i was 15, i took an internship at the most famous biological shop in my hood but it didn't work out and i became a traveller as you all know. It was after Star left that my mom said that the shop had new owners. And they were trying to set up a restaurant in the large big greenhouse that was behind the shop and attached to it. It didn't take me long to feel that this had to be my next adventure. The owners suddenly were confronted with a traveller by the name of Cestmir who offered his storytelling services. It came in all shapes and sizes and I helped them create the restaurant with laughter and foolishness. They loved me, i loved them and I became part of their family. It was a woman from Israel who had studied macrobiotics in New York for 20 years and had created her own paradise in Bali through hard work and persistence. After 26 years and 7 restaurants she met a Dutch man, fell in love and ended up in Enschede. As the months passed, new people joined the team and I was mostly a dishwasher who smiled and observed the thoughts of everyone around him. Even though I could not dream of a better place to be involved in, i felt not really fully at peace and decided to travel again. And as soon as I started to shed my skin and absorbed the knowledge of my journey again, a girl came to me in the Lidl. Her name was Star. It was not her name that caught my attention but her simple attitude towards shyness and intelligence and how she balanced these two very politly and rather lovely. A few dates came into existence and I must say that she taught me to have patience with the concepts in my mind. I learned that I created quite a few moments because I was afraid what would happen if the moments created themselves. And i will be forever grateful that she taught me that lesson.