Sweden

When I woke up I started to pull my peanut butter out of my backpack and fumbled a little bit with the bread. When I was doing it a bird suddenly decided that he was going to land on my head. He sat there for a second and it filled me with tender joy. The silence of the forest rested it’s surrounding in tenderness. After an hour or more of eating and thinking I got up and walked. Walking was quite a job for me during my travels if I didn’t spend my time thinking. Sometimes walking for hours straight to get somewhere. The highway was not quite far this time and I got a ride easily. It was beautiful to walk in Sweden. Everything was surrounded with forests. The first man who picked me up was a flower and a bird seeker. The second man was an old hippy with an old jeep carrying a caravan. Every time a truck passed, we swayed like a leave. He dropped me off at a place where I waited for two hours. The place where I stood was full of big eating opportunities and parking lots. I hurried from one parking lot to the next to ask people if they could pick me up. A teacher decided in the end to take me. He was very kind and took me under his wing. He drove me all the way to the address what was written in my book. He must have liked the poem I gave him.

I checked the piece of paper again that Michaela gave me and reassured that I was at the right address I knocked on the door but nobody answered so I went around the back. A man was sleeping there and I woke him up.
( he was a very muscular American who appeared to be in his sixties with a deep soft voice and you felt it in his voice that he was lay back)
 

“hello, hello, "

“what are you doing here?”

“I am looking for Michaela.”

“Yeah, and.”

“Is she living here.”

“Maybe, what do you want from her.”

“I have met her in Copenhagen, and she said that I could visit her.”

“Ah, well, come inside, I can look if she is in the house, leave your stuff here.”

He gave me food and told me “well yeah, actually, I remember, her mother is sleeping right now. I don't know where Michaela is. She must come here and take care of us but she always has her phone out of battery.”

After this weird talk the mother woke up. She heard sounds in the living room and was shocked to see me standing there. A big man with long hair.
“Who are you?”
“I am the poet your daughter met in Copenhagen, she said that I could come by.”
Hearing these simple words the mother melted and turned from a shocked almost fearful woman into a charming helpful one. The table was soon piling from all the food put on. “Come in. come in. make yourself at home. You must be starving!? I am Elisabeth and this is Rocky. Don’t mind him. Michaela is not here at the moment but you can sleep in the guestroom of course.”
I could not believe the sincerity in which I was greeted. Happiness was easily laid down and given to the weary.
How amazing it was to see such a huge bed and have the possibility to shower. As I sat down again at the kitchen table and ate to my heart’s content I listened to the answers my questions gave me.
“We met in Israel. It is a long while back.”
“You are a poet Cestmir? Tell us a poem!”
I just finished a short story about a man and a dog and that there was no time. So I told them that one.
When I was done Rocky looked at me with clear eyes. “Cestmir, that story is quite similar to my story. You could even say that you wrote about me.”
and he told me why and I listened in awe.
“I was hitchhiking in America during a snowstorm, with a dog. There was no car anywhere. When the dog ran away, there came a car but I had to catch the dog so I could not get in. The second car that turned up drove past me. I had no hope left and I would die right there. Suddenly a car approached me from the opposite direction and turned. It stopped before me and a woman appeared with a pale face saying: “I never pick up hitchhikers but I heard a voice in my head commanding me to pick you up.”

That was the moment he began to feel Jezus with him.

He was a wonderful story teller and excellent man. I heard that he was a poet in his early days and he was now a teacher of a special class. This man had adorned my heart with tingling’s of adventure. I could not believe that I had stumbled about and found the existence of this man.

After dinner we walked the dog together and we shared some words about life and love. He inspired me. Never before had I met such a man who entrusted his heart to a young boy who came out of nowhere and gave him the old knowledge that laid around in his mind. I wished my dad could have walked the dog with me every evening to spend words with me. With every step that I took towards discovery and dreams I opened yet another doorway where pain could be heard and understood. My life had given me enough bravery to follow the choices of peace. To give way to my hopes of having a dad and a mom who love me for who I am. Of course they loved me but I did not love them.
“How can I love them if they never speak about love with each other.”
“Cestmir, you are searching for peace for who you are. An understanding of where you come from. And that road will take you to many desolate places. You are doing what most men are too scared to do. You are inspiring us Cestmir, never forget that. You are inspiring us.”
Rocky had adopted me as his own son in a few hours and gave me the love of a father.
When it was time to sleep they arranged all the bedding and made sure that I had everything I needed. Family always confronts you the most with who you think you are. Maybe no father or mother can really give a child what it wants. Maybe. Maybe they give exactly what you want but you are not respecting the outcome enough to see it.
“So, tell me Cestmir about your father.”
“Well, what is there to tell?”
“I would love to hear about the pain that you carry inside.”
“Oh, that is easy. I was four when my dad left the family. He left four kids and my mom behind and started another family with four kids and a mom.”
I looked at Rocky but he didn’t say anything.
The memory had left scars behind. It was as if he had traded us for a second chance in life.
“I wanted more attention than that he gave me. For me, it felt as if he never looked back and my childhood was one big plea for my dad. This made me unable to see or give awareness to the other aspects of my life. My brothers and mother and stepdad were casual people who I shared a bond with but I didn’t felt loved.”
“So, you closed yourself off for other opportunities to develop relationships.”
“Yes, I stayed in my room for years and wrote about the world inside of me. Luckily my mom could finally get me out of my room.”
“What did she do?”
“She said that I should experience the world and told me about a festival where I could be a volunteer. My mom had always a way to infiltrate your feelings and push. So I went to the festival and realized that I loved adventure. But what about you?”
“Oh, you don’t want to hear about me. I have lived many life’s and then eventually ended up with my true love in Sweden. That’s the most important to know.”


When I overheard Rocky and Elisabeth arguing the next morning about who was going to mow the lawn I stepped in and did it for them. “No, you should not have to do that!”
“That is the least I can do for all the kindness that you brought me.”
I enjoyed it immensely. Afterwards I found enough food on the table to bring me to heaven.
Elisabeth was pushing Rocky around to finally paint the house but Rocky had no interest in beginning and did everything he could to prolong the decision. “ Rocky, go and find a lift, so you can paint the house.”
“Cestmir, let’s go. We will do what my wife wants…”
So he and I went driving around the countryside in search of a lift so he could reach the top of the house but we were ‘lost’ in the wilderness. When I offered to paint the house for him he said:
 “When you fall off the ladder then I destroy the most promising poet of Holland and I do not want that people from Holland got to know that I was the one.”
We saw Buffalo’s on a farm and went to a friend of his who held hundreds of chickens and then returned home in the evening.

“ Have you bought a lift?”
“No, we saw one but it was expensive.”

I loved to discover and observe Elisabeth and Rocky. They forgave each other very quickly for all the jokes and preferences that they had. Their connection surrounded them and that made me blessed to have found them. So I could learn from their love and take a few more steps towards forgiving myself for who I was. I was amazed that such a big story could lay behind a random meeting on the streets in a different country. I had to thank Michaela for approaching me there in Copenhagen because I really felt that I had to meet Rocky and Elisabeth. They were filling the trust between me and my parents with their ‘adoption’ of me in their family. Elisabeth reminded me of my mother who had a finger in everyone’s business but forgave them for who they were. And Rocky was teaching me how it felt like to have a father looking over my shoulder for my wellbeing.

Rocky got a phone call later on that day from his son who needed help with making a parking spot in his garden. Rocky said yes without even asking his wife. After Rocky gave his wife the news, we all got into the car and drove to the next town where he lived. Michaela and her boyfriend Alexander joined us there. It was strange to meet Michaela there. I wanted to spend time with her and get to know her but I actually felt a stronger bond now with her parents. I could figure out later who I was going spend time with. For now, I was blessed to be surrounded by a family who accepted a stranger in their midst. All of them were helping Rocky’s son with his driveway. There was already a start of the project and we were the muscle who could help dig and pull some more.
“Hello Cestmir, I am Emanuel. I am very pleased to meet you.”
“Very pleased to meet you too. So you need our help?”
Yes, we just want to clear the space so that my car can stand next to my house.”
“Where can I begin?”
He had a son of four who really reminded me of my two youngest brothers and I could not help but take a picture of him. His eyes reminded me of clear skies and he had a personality that was . Together with the men of the family we pulled and dug for some hours and it was fun to be there. It felt good to help them and return the kindness of taking me along. Soon it was time for dinner. It was amazing to see that the whole family was so joyful and happy to be together. I missed that a little bit with my own family. I regretted that I did not spend time with them as much and laughed and shared memories. Maybe I was being a teenager back then but being alone on the road was the best way to realize how special all these brothers were and I hoped they would experience the same kind of openness in their hearts as I did when I sat down at the table in this home after a hard days work. I grew up with three brothers and now my dad had eight sons with two wife’s. There had been a lot a masculine energy growing up but through the puberty of boys, there was always my mother who had been there, not backing up her energy to please us but she made us feel empowered with our own choices. I think it is easy to take things for granted and it was wonderful to see that you could realize how important the small details were.
.
After the dinner I went with Alexander and Michaela to their house. I was curious to stay with them and I hoped to get to know them but in my heart I was still thinking of Rocky. We ate ice-cream and watched Into the wild. ‘Happiness is only real if shared with others.’
It was a line of the movie and I found it resonating with me.

I came to Sweden to give an answer to the kindness of a girl and I had met a whole family who shared their story with me.

The boy who reminded me of my brothers:



Michaela and the whole family went to church on Sunday and so I was going with them. I was really sad to see Rocky leave my life yesterday but now I got another chance to see the great man.
A woman of the family who grew up in Africa ( the mother in law of Emanuel) was holding a speech about what she did in Africa for the homeless children. Emanuel sat next to me and translated it. I could not believe how generous this family was and how patient. After the speech there was a friend of Emanuel who was being Baptized.
And then it happened. A spark of inspiration moved through my body. It felt it way up my spine and I was left with surprise. Suddenly I felt the love that this great family had for each other grasp my heart and this urge of becoming one with them fueled my desire. It made me decide, nearly, that I was going to be Baptized as well. I had this feeling of freedom that burned inside my chest. It was as if the holy ghost was there. And I felt suspended in hope. It was a strong feeling of commitment. It left me with a feeling of melancholy. Ever since I was little, faith had intrigued me. I took interest in God and went to a church group when I was fourteen. I listened to the presentations presented to me and asked whatever came to my mind. I asked anything and rambled on about my perspectives on God and they were not upset. Instead they listened without judging my idea’s. It amazed me that everybody listened gracefully and with care.
“You are blindly following a leader into love. You are like the Nazi’s but then opposite.”
My interest was so great because I wanted know why so many people believed in Jesus and in that church in Sweden I felt the beginning of it. It was the love around me that solidified. Belief inspired me to look at these people who gave their goodness to each other and cared for nothing more than the love that created itself. I felt in that church in Sweden that love was the foundation of belief. It did not matter if Jesus was really the son of god or that he had lived. What matters was that people could be inspired by this tale and live closer to love by believing in him. I did not really know what I had to think about the whole ordeal of religion but I certainly could see the beauty of having faith in something. It made you part of a community and therefore could support you in your search for connection.

After the church was over we all went to Emanuel’s house. He was celebrating the Baptism of his friend and I was invited to eat along.
I was grateful that I could be a part of this family. I felt truly one with them and I never had experienced such an acceptance of freedom. By stepping out of the desire to be close with my pain I could open up and experience the freedom of love. The piece of me that was hiding in the shadow of his desires laughed at me and wanted to learn how to trust. Not only my father but also my oldest brother ‘left’ me when I needed him. The police dragged him out of the house and brought him to a mental hospital when I was fourteen because society said that he had Schizophrenia and he could not live with us anymore. My mom made the call and it was a tragic day in all our lives as a family. It was a tragic way to see my best friend go with so much force and decisiveness. I never had forgiven my brother for that. I thought that he would know better after our dad left. That was one of the reasons that I wanted to leave. Rocky and Michaela and Emanuel and Elisabeth were reminding me of the love that a family had for each other and seeing them taking me from the streets and giving me a home for a few days gave me a gratitude for my own family.
The food and companionship was delicious. And I shared some interesting topics with the family. About god mostly but as long as there is more Love and Happiness than you can sign me in for the ride.

Ice-cream and movies:



The blog post around that time:
Right here, I got a strange sense of goodness wash over me. I was taught to believe that religion was nonsense but I was experiencing a wonderful feeling that took away my negative emblems about God in this church. I was really overthrown with the people who got baptized, and the feeling of all the people singing along and standing up and do what the heck they must do! for this was a wonderful place, and all of a sudden, I began to realize that I was ready to stand up and say. I want to get Baptized, I want to pray, in front of the whole church in hope that my relationship with my brother will get healed. I was ready to take a leap of faith and I was ready to embrace the holy spirit. For I am searching, and doubting that there is something out there. A feeling took over, I felt it fluttering my belly, it was saying, Rise up! Rise up from the ashes!

But I did not do it.

And then suddenly it was time for me to go. I thanked Michaela so much for this expansion of connection and wished her all the best with all of her life. I left Sweden with the train. I tried to hitchhike at first but after hours of walking and waiting I understood that it was maybe better to take the train.

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so that subject was out of the order, i could look to my own path again. i was street performing again with Peter jones, and that was the time a little group of friends took my attention, i wrote them a poem, in the meantime Tess was in the picture and she was there when i performed my poem to the group, it was very good and they gave more than 100 kroons,





Than i began to walk with Tess for a long while until we finally took a place to rest, and it was wonderful, to get to know Tess and talk about our family's and such. I was going to visit her family in Spain when i was there.