Breaking the pattern of running

Welcome my dear,

After living in the Netherlands for half a year i decided that i could not find any worthy cause why i would stay in the Netherlands to neglect my freedom of traveling.

Albanie was the country where i met my princess of snowflakes. Together with Stranets( my dog) it was time to go back home. I hitchhiked with great difficulty to let go of my princess. somehow i had this feeling that i needed to go away from her.
As i smuggled Stranets in the night train into Germany i got the message from my princess that she missed me very much.

she wanted to meet me and made the decision to go to my hometown and live with me for a period of time. and as i lived with my mother and my stepdad she came to live with them too. she had her son with her and for two months i had everything what a lonely traveler would love to experience. i was a stepdad, i had a dog and i had the princess of my dreams. What would a man want more? She taught me about pure lovemaking and her way of showing honesty made me believe that we were meant for each other. But insecurities came and i wanted to wrap myself in shadows once again. my words were waiting for me there.

One day she decided that she wanted to go back to her house in Sweden and i asked her if she wanted to take Stranets. I could see how unhappy he was here in this house and i still had the idea that i would build a live in the Netherlands so i gave him away. to find his happiness in Sweden. But horizons lie and when you have a bond so great than it is unfair for you and him to easily dismiss this fact and hide in the shadows again.

But i did what i did and i have to deal with it. i miss him and i would love to visit them but i will wait for the right time. now, there is still a longing involved and i would wait until that longing fades and only purity would stay.

So, i was all alone again. and i could think about publishing books and locking myself in my room where i will write and write and write.

i Published my third and fourth book and i was very proud. but i had to search for jobs in the meantime and do the other stuff society demands you to do.

this was not for me. so i went with my thoughts to my brother. He is psychofrenic and i wanted to help him. I wanted to walk with him to Portugal. he said yes so i arranged everything so that we could go and at the last moment he said that he could not go "why?" "I have to look after my children here and be a good father."

two things: he only had one child and he was not allowed to see her. and he never stopped using speed and other drugs which made him not a very good father.

I wanted to take him and it was important for me. he could feel how it touched me that i could not help him.

but he could not react to it in a way other people could have. He stood up, turned the volume up from a song and started to dance. I had my head down and then i heard something. I looked up to his face and it was suddenly scrunched into pain and sadness. i watched as he screamed silently, tears rolling down his cheeks and mumbling words could not find the strength to escape his mouth. All of his strength was used in the ability to cry his anger and pain away. I could only get affected and cry in the same way. we were brothers who understood how childhood shaped souls. and we could only accept and let go.

I placed myself on his legs when he sat down and he embraced me and trough his mumbling crazyness he said : "Let go of the negative."

I could not help him. i could only help myself. sometimes you help yourself by trying to help others but you have to understand the point where you tried everything and you have to let go. maybe i could return and try it again if i really want to but for now, he made the message clear. i could not help him and i had to let him go.

I decided to go. Leave everything behind and be away for ever and ever. And in that moment a girl came to me and we became lovers. Oh! no.
We met in Enschede. I should have known. Anna said it: "everything is happening in Enschede."

It snowed when our lips met. And the sun broke through. she gave me a notebook and a clover. "You are a falling star." she said. Ivy was her name.

I read her fairytales when she was sick but already made the decision to go, so i went. she was startled by my leave.

It was 6 days later when i found myself in Berlin. "Cestmir!!"
I was standing in the middle of the street when a friend i met last year looked at me with surprised eyes.

"Jump in the car. I have a cottage in the woods. let's go."
So i spend one week in the woods. Olivia was her name and she needed help with a wooden floor in her sleeping room. We talked about love and the past. Nightmares visited me for one week. it seemed that my body needed to let go of some past fears.

Anna said "Go, out of your comfort zone."  i understood that my comfort zone was all the unknown.
The girl in Enschede wanted me back and that was the loss of my comfort zone and maybe i needed to follow that..

Maybe then i could stand up from my fears and confront the world with my want of being in love always.



My time in the woods was filled with all of the beauty standards of pure friendship.

and then i went to Key. A girl that i met  on facebook and i had some email contact with her.

She was special for me. In a way which i did sort of expect.
It all began when i made a proclamation of my brother's situation on a facebook page of travelers.

She reacted and out of that twirled a great friendship where we both felt understood and forgiven for all our fears.

For she had a sister who is Psychofrenic.
So, as i could speak to her in the mail and in Berlin where she lived, i could feel and see the many patterns that we had in common: The fears and the doubts we shared were very, very similair. and as we sat by the canal in Berlin, we told stories and stories to each other. She was a storyteller and loved to collect stories. For 5 years she travelled around like me.

The stories that we shared went deeper and made way for our heart to be laid out. we cried when we spoke about friendship and in that moment, fireworks went off across the treetops.

Our deepest fears were seen and understood by Berlin.

I went to Leipzig and met Dancer. A chesplayer, dancer and writer. Who studied Philosophy. We swam in the lake of the park on the first day. to wash Berlin from my body.
Anna was the connection between us. She always said, for a couple of years now, that i needed to meet this guy.

and i don't regret it. This guy is awesome.


Anna came from Poland with her car to go back to the Belgian Border. Ivy and i had contact throughout this whole time.
 and her parents lived close to the Belgium Border. so i saw it as a perfect oppurtunity to  meet her at her Parents place and Dancer wanted to visit his twin brother in Aachen.

So there we went.
"how do you feel that you are meeting Ivy again?" Dancer asked.
"I don't know."

it was all chaos in Germany, mixed with incredible friendships and creating open paths of new beginnings. It was truly liberating but also very intoxicating.

my freedom world was smashing into this story that isabelle gave me.
This story of being in love in my Hometown.

It was ridiculous that i thought about it but somehow, there was something which attracted me to the idea of staying in my hometown and building a live with her.

Many of my traveling friends would ridicule me.
they know that my heart lays on the road.

but it was maybe the fear of never seeing my family again if i left this time that made me return.
and the basic value that you never leave people when you feel that they need you around, to get to know each other.

To go back to Ivy now. to go back to a person who loves me unconditionally. It was her loyalty that made me understand that i have to go back. To not run away anymore for any new paths of love that made me stay a little while longer.

As soon as i found myself sitting on the the bed with her. All my chaos slid from my shoulders and peacefulness resided in my bones. I kissed her and three days went by.

She had a birthday of a friend and i wanted to go to Aachen to meet the twin brother of Dancer. So we parted ways for a while. We would see each other in Enschede.

Enschede!!! I would return to Enschede again. Ah. man.

But first Aachen.. I loved the brother of Dancer and his girlfriend. They were such good people. it was unbelievable. And they loved to play board games as well!

They reacted happily to my remarks of playing boardgames now. Soon, my two favourite games were out on the table and the girlfriend won both times.

But i will get my revenge.

Enschede was next. It was 11 o clock and Ivy went to bed already. but as i walked out of the trainstation she stood suddenly in front of me.

When the train stopped in Enschede i felt misery in my bones. Like, Enschede and i had said goodbye to each other already. like he said "what are you doing back here! go home!

But her appearance made my misery transform themselves into tears and i kissed her. "Thank you."
i said.

her surprise was so precious and the most unexpected beautiful thing that ever happened to me

She transformed Enschede in that moment. She became Enschede, and i could now be the visitor of my own hometown.

I thought i said goodbye already from Enschede, but she made me understand that this was goodbye.

I stumbled into the night. A happy giant i was.

But soon we had to realize that we were not meant to be this time. I wanted to go again and be a wild flower and she wanted a stable relationship.


So, i went to Amsterdam.

to go out in the streets and discover the magic of Amsterdam and make some money to go to Leipzig and Berlin again.


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Running away is something we all do.
Some do it by heart, some are oblivious that they are doing it

but we all have these little demons inside who guide us a little bit.
and it is our job to detach themselves from our motives

so that we become better and better in finding love and staying there

We all make mistakes, we all stumble, because it is dark and our eyes can only see the moment in front of us


Forgiveness for your actions is important in this state

to say 'thank you' for every moment that you live. for the pain of failure or hurt will give you experience


I said to Ivy "Just, Realize , that if you leave me behind, you will find an even more beautiful man who fits with you even more.'

She was upset and angry that i said it.
but that is life.

Life wants to give us our true love but it can only do so, when you have gone through all the experience that you need to truly love yourself and all the fears that rest inside of you

because true love sits in the equalness of lovers. than everything falls into place naturally and problems don't even exist. because every problem is just an experience that you take as a loving journey together.

we all run away.
and it is part of our process

but if life gives us the sign than it is our duty almost to dive deep in love and uncertainty and make the best out of it.