A friend of mine from the Netherlands was hitchiking with his girlfriend around France and Switzerland. I gave him the adres of where i would be in Italy and they decided to come to me.
In Milan we greeted each other.
It was amazing to meet them in Italy. three years ago i hithhiked with him across Slowakia and it was a blessing to be again on the road with him. His girlfriend was a very sweet person with a happy smile and she lead us with her female energy across the town into a train to go to Cremona.
When we walked the streets as friends we remembered again the easiness that can occur when you are together as a team. They invited me to eat a pizza with them and as we heard the italian songs passing us we felt liberated from any worry.
I had a card game with me, Macchiavelli, And we played it for 8 hours long. They were addicted and i loved to play with them.
My brother, Sascha was about to perform with his orchestra and we were sitting in the audience.
He came over to hug me and i could see how dear i was to his heart. That was all the blessing i needed.
When they started playing i fell into a trance of classical theater unraveling before me. My friends were loving it. There was a woman who sang opera. at the end i hugged the woman and she said : "you have a nice shirt, every time i focused on your shirt if i wanted to look at something beautiful."
I had a orange shirt with flowers on them.
There was a girl who played in the orchestra who cried because many people would leave the orchestra.
I hugged her too and she would be walking with me and my brother and his best friend around Cremona. I liked her. she was very sensitive and charming but her sweet personality was not answered by the boys in the orchestra. At one point we were sitting at the stop where they waited for the return bus to the Netherlands and we touched hands to let eachother understand that there is nothing to be afraid of.
The bus arrived and she jumped up.
she wanted to hug me and blew me a kiss farewell.
I was alone again.
The next day i left Cremona and went illigal with the train to Ljubljana.
vrijdag 22 november 2019
woensdag 14 augustus 2019
Slovenia - 2019
Every time i get the question: ' What was your favorite country?'
I answer Slovenia
Since now i have only been in this country for three days, passing through but since the beginning i felt this energy of peace wash over me, as if my body knew which stories lay ahead.
Jan and his parents lived in a house which looked like a tree house from the inside.
My body had fever and tooth ache. Probably because i left Linda and thereby choosing friendship over girls.
The world wants me to be a Lover. I got the memo. But friends are the foundation of Love. by building your army of friends, you build your empire on a stable base of inspiration.
Jan was a little boy of 18, he had still lot to learn. Full of foolishness and laughter. He was a very good person. We met his parents and after a few days of mending my health i could walk again.
I discovered Luka's hide out and i fell in love. It was like walking into a painting. His father was very quite and his mother was always, every day, making sure that we had our stomachs full and satisfied every minute of the day.
and she loved it.
I stayed here for two weeks wherein Luka and i climbed a Mountain. We swam in the river Sotcha and we were hitchhiking around the country for a few days.
Luka was very shy and quite and full of the wisdom to perceive the honest way to give. He had some money saved up and that's why he sponsored our hitchhiking trip and i could go to Italy to see my brother perform.
I owe him much. And i would be grateful for the day that i could give to him.
In his house i could look from the Balcony across the hills and inspire myself fully and with ease with the kindness of love.
It was magnificent and i had found a place where my mind could rest and be inspired
The brother of Luka, Matej, was shooting a video for a local band in these days. We got along quite well and he liked my yoga karate dance i did every day for myself. This is what inspired him to put me also in the video. So, suddenly i found myself a part of his project and i loved it.
It was about a crazy hospital who were not sure if the patients were more crazy than the people helping them.
This house in Slovenia would always stay in my heart and i hope one day i will return with more gentleness to discover.
I answer Slovenia
Since now i have only been in this country for three days, passing through but since the beginning i felt this energy of peace wash over me, as if my body knew which stories lay ahead.
Jan and his parents lived in a house which looked like a tree house from the inside.
My body had fever and tooth ache. Probably because i left Linda and thereby choosing friendship over girls.
The world wants me to be a Lover. I got the memo. But friends are the foundation of Love. by building your army of friends, you build your empire on a stable base of inspiration.
Jan was a little boy of 18, he had still lot to learn. Full of foolishness and laughter. He was a very good person. We met his parents and after a few days of mending my health i could walk again.
I discovered Luka's hide out and i fell in love. It was like walking into a painting. His father was very quite and his mother was always, every day, making sure that we had our stomachs full and satisfied every minute of the day.
and she loved it.
I stayed here for two weeks wherein Luka and i climbed a Mountain. We swam in the river Sotcha and we were hitchhiking around the country for a few days.
Luka was very shy and quite and full of the wisdom to perceive the honest way to give. He had some money saved up and that's why he sponsored our hitchhiking trip and i could go to Italy to see my brother perform.
I owe him much. And i would be grateful for the day that i could give to him.
In his house i could look from the Balcony across the hills and inspire myself fully and with ease with the kindness of love.
It was magnificent and i had found a place where my mind could rest and be inspired
The brother of Luka, Matej, was shooting a video for a local band in these days. We got along quite well and he liked my yoga karate dance i did every day for myself. This is what inspired him to put me also in the video. So, suddenly i found myself a part of his project and i loved it.
It was about a crazy hospital who were not sure if the patients were more crazy than the people helping them.
This house in Slovenia would always stay in my heart and i hope one day i will return with more gentleness to discover.
Germany - Summer, 2019, Rainbow Gathering, Czeck
I took the train to go to Leipzig. I didn't had a ticket. So i got thrown out a lot.
It was a very good experience to do something illegal. My heart raced every time i got confronted by a conducter. Every time i felt like a caged animal. It was releasing my insanity. to be someone who has no control about the ways how society uses me. for i had to go out of the train. It taught me that society has power and i can experiment how much.
In Leipzig i visited Simon. we played Magic the gathering. it was very wonderful.
Then i slept in the park for the weekend and i gave poetry to girls.
One of those girls was named Josie and she was something. Her personality gave me the feeling that i was home
it was a special energy that made her unite with the heart that she carried. she honestly responded from a sarcastic point of loveliness.
Sarcasm was something i really was fond of.
"I want to spend the day with you. I will be sleeping in the little shelter in the park. you can wake me up."
In the morning when Josie came to the little shelter i was still sleeping. she waited , sitting in the grass
Finally i woke up and she came to me.
"I wanted to wake you but it would be strange to come to a homeless person and disturb his sleep. "
We went to the lake and in the evening we went to a birthday party.
And the next day another birthday party.
Then i went to Berlin, to visit my fellow storyteller Maja.
We spend a few days together and all i can tell you about those days is that my heart was replenished by her stories.
Then i took the bus to Prague and there it was where i met an Israelian Brother who wanted to go to the rainbow here in Czeck
It was his first time that he was going and when he met me he was coming from South africa with two huge backpacks. his energy was a bit energetic. and he loved to meet me.
We could go together but he decided that he wanted to spend at least one night in Prague
so i left him and went to the Rainbow
And the Rainbow was magical as always
Every time i am going to the rainbow i feel that i am looking for a fairy tale that doesn't exist.
So, when i find the first persons who walk barefoot in the forest, peace comes over me. expectations dwindle in the air and rest takes my heart to dwell.
When i walked with this ease to the beginning of the rainbow a girl stood up and hugged me.
and while she hugged me, she snuggled closer.
as i later found out ,she could feel that i was a very peaceful person and she could not wait until she could hug me.
Her name was Anna and she came from South Africa.
Together we were honest about the attraction that we felt for each other.
but she already had a relation with a man on the Rainbow so we let it be
i will meet her again.
The days were filled with the calmness of nature and the hugs of preciousness.
Luka was by far the most interesting. i met him early on and i wanted to be his friend since the first time i met his eyes. he came with his friend, Jan. Together they were musicians and wanted nothing more than to dwell in friendship.
I hugged Luka with all the love of childness.
Grass would see me carrying wood that day and she would remember me.
" Cestmir!"
We met 4 years ago on the Rainbow in Morocco. Back then, we did not speak to each other ' both busy in our own world'
but now i felt that she wanted us to collide. I leaned on the piece of tree that i was holding and we hugged.
the conversation was subtle with a small hint of attraction, or the want to attract, I felt it as a new wind of discovery.
Later that day we would sit by the fire in the tipi together and our conversation would lead us to cross the threshold of fear. we would become lovers.
the next day she left to Poland with friends. I felt a strange deep emptiness, attaching us together.
Later she would tell me her story and tell me how the experience with me was a beginning of a new chapter.
I was blessed. the world granted me a path where i could learn the next step of love. ' to be in love, without the fairytale that keeps you from living.
She invited me to Athens. she would begin a graphic design study there for a year and i was welcome to visit.
I am feeling welcome in the new world of love.
where i will discover how i can move with the gentleness of ease between the fragile uncertainty of death.
There was Linda. Linda was a German girl and she made me smile and laugh. Every time i looked at her or told her stories i would feel home. Love comes in all sorts of different shapes. It is as unique as a puzzle piece. And unless you are afraid of finishing the puzzle you will never learn how the puzzle affects the mind.
Lovers are the people around you.
Linda taught me how to be kind to my stories, how to grace them with sensitivity.
When i left the Rainbow with Jan and Luka i had to say goodbye to Linda and it was hard.
in the short time that i got to know her she touched my innocence and smile.
and she felt it too: the attraction that reminded Lovers how to be in love.
It was a very good experience to do something illegal. My heart raced every time i got confronted by a conducter. Every time i felt like a caged animal. It was releasing my insanity. to be someone who has no control about the ways how society uses me. for i had to go out of the train. It taught me that society has power and i can experiment how much.
In Leipzig i visited Simon. we played Magic the gathering. it was very wonderful.
Then i slept in the park for the weekend and i gave poetry to girls.
One of those girls was named Josie and she was something. Her personality gave me the feeling that i was home
it was a special energy that made her unite with the heart that she carried. she honestly responded from a sarcastic point of loveliness.
Sarcasm was something i really was fond of.
"I want to spend the day with you. I will be sleeping in the little shelter in the park. you can wake me up."
In the morning when Josie came to the little shelter i was still sleeping. she waited , sitting in the grass
Finally i woke up and she came to me.
"I wanted to wake you but it would be strange to come to a homeless person and disturb his sleep. "
We went to the lake and in the evening we went to a birthday party.
And the next day another birthday party.
Then i went to Berlin, to visit my fellow storyteller Maja.
We spend a few days together and all i can tell you about those days is that my heart was replenished by her stories.
Then i took the bus to Prague and there it was where i met an Israelian Brother who wanted to go to the rainbow here in Czeck
It was his first time that he was going and when he met me he was coming from South africa with two huge backpacks. his energy was a bit energetic. and he loved to meet me.
We could go together but he decided that he wanted to spend at least one night in Prague
so i left him and went to the Rainbow
And the Rainbow was magical as always
Every time i am going to the rainbow i feel that i am looking for a fairy tale that doesn't exist.
So, when i find the first persons who walk barefoot in the forest, peace comes over me. expectations dwindle in the air and rest takes my heart to dwell.
When i walked with this ease to the beginning of the rainbow a girl stood up and hugged me.
and while she hugged me, she snuggled closer.
as i later found out ,she could feel that i was a very peaceful person and she could not wait until she could hug me.
Her name was Anna and she came from South Africa.
Together we were honest about the attraction that we felt for each other.
but she already had a relation with a man on the Rainbow so we let it be
i will meet her again.
The days were filled with the calmness of nature and the hugs of preciousness.
Luka was by far the most interesting. i met him early on and i wanted to be his friend since the first time i met his eyes. he came with his friend, Jan. Together they were musicians and wanted nothing more than to dwell in friendship.
I hugged Luka with all the love of childness.
Grass would see me carrying wood that day and she would remember me.
" Cestmir!"
We met 4 years ago on the Rainbow in Morocco. Back then, we did not speak to each other ' both busy in our own world'
but now i felt that she wanted us to collide. I leaned on the piece of tree that i was holding and we hugged.
the conversation was subtle with a small hint of attraction, or the want to attract, I felt it as a new wind of discovery.
Later that day we would sit by the fire in the tipi together and our conversation would lead us to cross the threshold of fear. we would become lovers.
the next day she left to Poland with friends. I felt a strange deep emptiness, attaching us together.
Later she would tell me her story and tell me how the experience with me was a beginning of a new chapter.
I was blessed. the world granted me a path where i could learn the next step of love. ' to be in love, without the fairytale that keeps you from living.
She invited me to Athens. she would begin a graphic design study there for a year and i was welcome to visit.
I am feeling welcome in the new world of love.
where i will discover how i can move with the gentleness of ease between the fragile uncertainty of death.
There was Linda. Linda was a German girl and she made me smile and laugh. Every time i looked at her or told her stories i would feel home. Love comes in all sorts of different shapes. It is as unique as a puzzle piece. And unless you are afraid of finishing the puzzle you will never learn how the puzzle affects the mind.
Lovers are the people around you.
Linda taught me how to be kind to my stories, how to grace them with sensitivity.
When i left the Rainbow with Jan and Luka i had to say goodbye to Linda and it was hard.
in the short time that i got to know her she touched my innocence and smile.
and she felt it too: the attraction that reminded Lovers how to be in love.
woensdag 31 juli 2019
My final days in my country
Silence occurs to me. It shivers in the depths of my waves. It is part of my veins and i would not have it any other way.
So, i left my hometown and after a couple of weeks in Amsterdam where i walked the streets, asked a girl out and let another girl slip through my fingers I went to my hometown again.
This time, only to visit for a few days.
A friend who i know now for 11 years just broke up with his girlfriend. they were together for 5 years and it was suddenly and unexpected. She had painted the walls just the other day and then left.
My friend was painting the walls again, to erase her memory and he was actually very released that the relationship broke. He now found that he was much more relaxed and he could breath and smile to every stranger on the streets and they would smile back.
Isabelle came to us, to hang out. and see me.
I walked her home afterwards and we spoke about the end of our time together.
She was sad about it. I was more happy to find out what i wanted and going for it. I always lived more in the future.
"But, you know, if i leave now and you get over me than there is this very attractive man out there , just waiting to be swept of his feet by your beauty. and he would fit so much better with you than me!"
She was angry that i said that.
I played with cuddles to release the anger.
She smiled again softly. and then we said goodbye.
When i walked back home, i passed the window of my friend and in the morning he texted me "Cestmir? Was it you who past my window in the middle of the night when i went to the bathroom to piss?"
Yes.
I was almost ready to go. to leave my hometown forever but there was still a story that needed attention.
And that was one of the best friends of my mom.
She and i really are fond of each other. She is a very awesome person who is loved by my whole family and her smile always lights up the room
And i heard that she had some problems with herself in this time.
In the past i offered her my attention to talk about her. she never responded.
but now i reminded her about it and by my surprise she took me on my offer.
So we planned a picknick. She was a bit late and when she came i was mediating and she said "I cannot believe that i have an 'appointment' with Cestmir."
We spread our sheet and covered it with our food.
And then we started talking. about life.
At one time i laughed and in my laughter i found a hug, so i hugged her and i pushed her to the ground. she was surprised as she saw how we rolled through the grass. she laughed with me.
She cried.
And in her crying i found a memory of beauty.
so i kissed her cheek
And the picknick was a celebration of community.
Isabelle came later because she wanted to see me one more time. I was happy because there was still something that i wanted to say to her.
that was the last time that we expressed our love and the magical time we spend together. I discovered that i really was a lover of the wind and she was too loyal to be in love with a person like that.
So, i needed to say goodbye to another lover who captured my heart
I went to my friends in another city and that would be my last visit to anyone in the Netherlands.
These friends are Jesse, which i met many years ago, on a festival called Hungry Wolf, and his girlfriend, a lovely girl from Poland named Zofia
I spend there one night and i finally saw the final of Game Of Thrones. It was dissapointing.
And so, i left my country and i had my plan of not seeing it for a long while.
So, i left my hometown and after a couple of weeks in Amsterdam where i walked the streets, asked a girl out and let another girl slip through my fingers I went to my hometown again.
This time, only to visit for a few days.
A friend who i know now for 11 years just broke up with his girlfriend. they were together for 5 years and it was suddenly and unexpected. She had painted the walls just the other day and then left.
My friend was painting the walls again, to erase her memory and he was actually very released that the relationship broke. He now found that he was much more relaxed and he could breath and smile to every stranger on the streets and they would smile back.
Isabelle came to us, to hang out. and see me.
I walked her home afterwards and we spoke about the end of our time together.
She was sad about it. I was more happy to find out what i wanted and going for it. I always lived more in the future.
"But, you know, if i leave now and you get over me than there is this very attractive man out there , just waiting to be swept of his feet by your beauty. and he would fit so much better with you than me!"
She was angry that i said that.
I played with cuddles to release the anger.
She smiled again softly. and then we said goodbye.
When i walked back home, i passed the window of my friend and in the morning he texted me "Cestmir? Was it you who past my window in the middle of the night when i went to the bathroom to piss?"
Yes.
I was almost ready to go. to leave my hometown forever but there was still a story that needed attention.
And that was one of the best friends of my mom.
She and i really are fond of each other. She is a very awesome person who is loved by my whole family and her smile always lights up the room
And i heard that she had some problems with herself in this time.
In the past i offered her my attention to talk about her. she never responded.
but now i reminded her about it and by my surprise she took me on my offer.
So we planned a picknick. She was a bit late and when she came i was mediating and she said "I cannot believe that i have an 'appointment' with Cestmir."
We spread our sheet and covered it with our food.
And then we started talking. about life.
At one time i laughed and in my laughter i found a hug, so i hugged her and i pushed her to the ground. she was surprised as she saw how we rolled through the grass. she laughed with me.
She cried.
And in her crying i found a memory of beauty.
so i kissed her cheek
And the picknick was a celebration of community.
Isabelle came later because she wanted to see me one more time. I was happy because there was still something that i wanted to say to her.
that was the last time that we expressed our love and the magical time we spend together. I discovered that i really was a lover of the wind and she was too loyal to be in love with a person like that.
So, i needed to say goodbye to another lover who captured my heart
I went to my friends in another city and that would be my last visit to anyone in the Netherlands.
These friends are Jesse, which i met many years ago, on a festival called Hungry Wolf, and his girlfriend, a lovely girl from Poland named Zofia
I spend there one night and i finally saw the final of Game Of Thrones. It was dissapointing.
And so, i left my country and i had my plan of not seeing it for a long while.
donderdag 18 juli 2019
becoming what i was meant to be
After 5 years of traveling i finally made peace with the journey of being
I was 20 when i began this expedition, this trial of life, this freedom search
and after 5 years of contemplating i have it.
i have the virtue of knowing what i am supposed to do.
i tried many times to choose a path, i followed my fears or the love i had for another story
and whatever i did, i did it because i didn't had a choice.
Life granted me the courage and the freedom to travel so i did
and through life i was granted the experience to transform myself into this teller of tales that slowly taught himself how to celebrate life and most of all, himself
Years went by and days became nights
I met person after person who gave me more inspiration and more liberty than the tears that i would shed in this life.
Every raindrop that fell from the sky was a symbol of a story that i collected and i could see how these stories became me
i could see how these stories made me sometimes cry out in anger and despair and i would scare the people who were there to witness me in the glory of my hatred
I could see how they formed me into this man who was not afraid to confront, with the honesty of veins who lived every possible way and they could not contain anymore how they felt, how they cried, how they loved, how they danced and how they became insane
how they gently rocked me to sleep. alone and hidden in the shadowy alleys of cities.
And then, after five years of exploration i could not fight it anymore
i knew what i was destined to become and i did not run away from it
i could finally embrace it and wrap my veins in peace
Before me lay the opportunity to become life itself and i basked in the glory of it
and a name that was slumbering inside became known to me : the traveling storyteller would forever walk in peace and he would take his life forever on a journey of honesty
my name, destined to become life
and in the aftermath of wisdom
i could find that there were no problems anymore,
only opportunity's
to never fall back to hidden masculinity
to never look back and see how my family misses me
I would miss them, together with everyone
and i would bear the responsibility of my feelings with the greatest smile
and i would dance upon the bones of emotions with my soul
For, that is what my life depends on
to be content with the sacrifices of freedom
and not dwell on anything but yourself
and as life is you
even the smallest detail could nourish my heart
and give me home
where i can shelter if i feel alone
My comfort zone is the earth i stand on
the stars who protect my sleeping form
and the wind who gives me connections to everything
And as fairytales and poetry are written
i become a story
a resemblance to life itself
and i am proud to bear this burden
But i will always be a name, who cries and laughs just the same as you
And i will be happy to see how the present unwraps itself and how it gives me the courage to forget myself
in the stream of creation
in the breath of the wild
in the stories that you become
in the transitions you went along
i have no doubt we will meet
and we will meet again
and i will laugh so hard
cry as deep fears are embraced and loved
i will wait patiently for that day
where you can teach me everything about your stay in this life
and i can hold my broken beliefs and see how they shape more beautifully
in the eyes that you gave me
I was 20 when i began this expedition, this trial of life, this freedom search
and after 5 years of contemplating i have it.
i have the virtue of knowing what i am supposed to do.
i tried many times to choose a path, i followed my fears or the love i had for another story
and whatever i did, i did it because i didn't had a choice.
Life granted me the courage and the freedom to travel so i did
and through life i was granted the experience to transform myself into this teller of tales that slowly taught himself how to celebrate life and most of all, himself
Years went by and days became nights
I met person after person who gave me more inspiration and more liberty than the tears that i would shed in this life.
Every raindrop that fell from the sky was a symbol of a story that i collected and i could see how these stories became me
i could see how these stories made me sometimes cry out in anger and despair and i would scare the people who were there to witness me in the glory of my hatred
I could see how they formed me into this man who was not afraid to confront, with the honesty of veins who lived every possible way and they could not contain anymore how they felt, how they cried, how they loved, how they danced and how they became insane
how they gently rocked me to sleep. alone and hidden in the shadowy alleys of cities.
And then, after five years of exploration i could not fight it anymore
i knew what i was destined to become and i did not run away from it
i could finally embrace it and wrap my veins in peace
Before me lay the opportunity to become life itself and i basked in the glory of it
and a name that was slumbering inside became known to me : the traveling storyteller would forever walk in peace and he would take his life forever on a journey of honesty
my name, destined to become life
and in the aftermath of wisdom
i could find that there were no problems anymore,
only opportunity's
to never fall back to hidden masculinity
to never look back and see how my family misses me
I would miss them, together with everyone
and i would bear the responsibility of my feelings with the greatest smile
and i would dance upon the bones of emotions with my soul
For, that is what my life depends on
to be content with the sacrifices of freedom
and not dwell on anything but yourself
and as life is you
even the smallest detail could nourish my heart
and give me home
where i can shelter if i feel alone
My comfort zone is the earth i stand on
the stars who protect my sleeping form
and the wind who gives me connections to everything
And as fairytales and poetry are written
i become a story
a resemblance to life itself
and i am proud to bear this burden
But i will always be a name, who cries and laughs just the same as you
And i will be happy to see how the present unwraps itself and how it gives me the courage to forget myself
in the stream of creation
in the breath of the wild
in the stories that you become
in the transitions you went along
i have no doubt we will meet
and we will meet again
and i will laugh so hard
cry as deep fears are embraced and loved
i will wait patiently for that day
where you can teach me everything about your stay in this life
and i can hold my broken beliefs and see how they shape more beautifully
in the eyes that you gave me
woensdag 1 mei 2019
Breaking the pattern of running
Welcome my dear,
After living in the Netherlands for half a year i decided that i could not find any worthy cause why i would stay in the Netherlands to neglect my freedom of traveling.
Albanie was the country where i met my princess of snowflakes. Together with Stranets( my dog) it was time to go back home. I hitchhiked with great difficulty to let go of my princess. somehow i had this feeling that i needed to go away from her.
As i smuggled Stranets in the night train into Germany i got the message from my princess that she missed me very much.
she wanted to meet me and made the decision to go to my hometown and live with me for a period of time. and as i lived with my mother and my stepdad she came to live with them too. she had her son with her and for two months i had everything what a lonely traveler would love to experience. i was a stepdad, i had a dog and i had the princess of my dreams. What would a man want more? She taught me about pure lovemaking and her way of showing honesty made me believe that we were meant for each other. But insecurities came and i wanted to wrap myself in shadows once again. my words were waiting for me there.
One day she decided that she wanted to go back to her house in Sweden and i asked her if she wanted to take Stranets. I could see how unhappy he was here in this house and i still had the idea that i would build a live in the Netherlands so i gave him away. to find his happiness in Sweden. But horizons lie and when you have a bond so great than it is unfair for you and him to easily dismiss this fact and hide in the shadows again.
But i did what i did and i have to deal with it. i miss him and i would love to visit them but i will wait for the right time. now, there is still a longing involved and i would wait until that longing fades and only purity would stay.
So, i was all alone again. and i could think about publishing books and locking myself in my room where i will write and write and write.
i Published my third and fourth book and i was very proud. but i had to search for jobs in the meantime and do the other stuff society demands you to do.
this was not for me. so i went with my thoughts to my brother. He is psychofrenic and i wanted to help him. I wanted to walk with him to Portugal. he said yes so i arranged everything so that we could go and at the last moment he said that he could not go "why?" "I have to look after my children here and be a good father."
two things: he only had one child and he was not allowed to see her. and he never stopped using speed and other drugs which made him not a very good father.
I wanted to take him and it was important for me. he could feel how it touched me that i could not help him.
but he could not react to it in a way other people could have. He stood up, turned the volume up from a song and started to dance. I had my head down and then i heard something. I looked up to his face and it was suddenly scrunched into pain and sadness. i watched as he screamed silently, tears rolling down his cheeks and mumbling words could not find the strength to escape his mouth. All of his strength was used in the ability to cry his anger and pain away. I could only get affected and cry in the same way. we were brothers who understood how childhood shaped souls. and we could only accept and let go.
I placed myself on his legs when he sat down and he embraced me and trough his mumbling crazyness he said : "Let go of the negative."
I could not help him. i could only help myself. sometimes you help yourself by trying to help others but you have to understand the point where you tried everything and you have to let go. maybe i could return and try it again if i really want to but for now, he made the message clear. i could not help him and i had to let him go.
I decided to go. Leave everything behind and be away for ever and ever. And in that moment a girl came to me and we became lovers. Oh! no.
We met in Enschede. I should have known. Anna said it: "everything is happening in Enschede."
It snowed when our lips met. And the sun broke through. she gave me a notebook and a clover. "You are a falling star." she said. Ivy was her name.
I read her fairytales when she was sick but already made the decision to go, so i went. she was startled by my leave.
It was 6 days later when i found myself in Berlin. "Cestmir!!"
I was standing in the middle of the street when a friend i met last year looked at me with surprised eyes.
"Jump in the car. I have a cottage in the woods. let's go."
So i spend one week in the woods. Olivia was her name and she needed help with a wooden floor in her sleeping room. We talked about love and the past. Nightmares visited me for one week. it seemed that my body needed to let go of some past fears.
Anna said "Go, out of your comfort zone." i understood that my comfort zone was all the unknown.
The girl in Enschede wanted me back and that was the loss of my comfort zone and maybe i needed to follow that..
Maybe then i could stand up from my fears and confront the world with my want of being in love always.
My time in the woods was filled with all of the beauty standards of pure friendship.
and then i went to Key. A girl that i met on facebook and i had some email contact with her.
She was special for me. In a way which i did sort of expect.
It all began when i made a proclamation of my brother's situation on a facebook page of travelers.
She reacted and out of that twirled a great friendship where we both felt understood and forgiven for all our fears.
For she had a sister who is Psychofrenic.
So, as i could speak to her in the mail and in Berlin where she lived, i could feel and see the many patterns that we had in common: The fears and the doubts we shared were very, very similair. and as we sat by the canal in Berlin, we told stories and stories to each other. She was a storyteller and loved to collect stories. For 5 years she travelled around like me.
The stories that we shared went deeper and made way for our heart to be laid out. we cried when we spoke about friendship and in that moment, fireworks went off across the treetops.
Our deepest fears were seen and understood by Berlin.
I went to Leipzig and met Dancer. A chesplayer, dancer and writer. Who studied Philosophy. We swam in the lake of the park on the first day. to wash Berlin from my body.
Anna was the connection between us. She always said, for a couple of years now, that i needed to meet this guy.
and i don't regret it. This guy is awesome.
Anna came from Poland with her car to go back to the Belgian Border. Ivy and i had contact throughout this whole time.
and her parents lived close to the Belgium Border. so i saw it as a perfect oppurtunity to meet her at her Parents place and Dancer wanted to visit his twin brother in Aachen.
So there we went.
"how do you feel that you are meeting Ivy again?" Dancer asked.
"I don't know."
it was all chaos in Germany, mixed with incredible friendships and creating open paths of new beginnings. It was truly liberating but also very intoxicating.
my freedom world was smashing into this story that isabelle gave me.
This story of being in love in my Hometown.
It was ridiculous that i thought about it but somehow, there was something which attracted me to the idea of staying in my hometown and building a live with her.
Many of my traveling friends would ridicule me.
they know that my heart lays on the road.
but it was maybe the fear of never seeing my family again if i left this time that made me return.
and the basic value that you never leave people when you feel that they need you around, to get to know each other.
To go back to Ivy now. to go back to a person who loves me unconditionally. It was her loyalty that made me understand that i have to go back. To not run away anymore for any new paths of love that made me stay a little while longer.
As soon as i found myself sitting on the the bed with her. All my chaos slid from my shoulders and peacefulness resided in my bones. I kissed her and three days went by.
She had a birthday of a friend and i wanted to go to Aachen to meet the twin brother of Dancer. So we parted ways for a while. We would see each other in Enschede.
Enschede!!! I would return to Enschede again. Ah. man.
But first Aachen.. I loved the brother of Dancer and his girlfriend. They were such good people. it was unbelievable. And they loved to play board games as well!
They reacted happily to my remarks of playing boardgames now. Soon, my two favourite games were out on the table and the girlfriend won both times.
But i will get my revenge.
Enschede was next. It was 11 o clock and Ivy went to bed already. but as i walked out of the trainstation she stood suddenly in front of me.
When the train stopped in Enschede i felt misery in my bones. Like, Enschede and i had said goodbye to each other already. like he said "what are you doing back here! go home!
But her appearance made my misery transform themselves into tears and i kissed her. "Thank you."
i said.
her surprise was so precious and the most unexpected beautiful thing that ever happened to me
She transformed Enschede in that moment. She became Enschede, and i could now be the visitor of my own hometown.
I thought i said goodbye already from Enschede, but she made me understand that this was goodbye.
I stumbled into the night. A happy giant i was.
But soon we had to realize that we were not meant to be this time. I wanted to go again and be a wild flower and she wanted a stable relationship.
So, i went to Amsterdam.
to go out in the streets and discover the magic of Amsterdam and make some money to go to Leipzig and Berlin again.
-------------------
Running away is something we all do.
Some do it by heart, some are oblivious that they are doing it
but we all have these little demons inside who guide us a little bit.
and it is our job to detach themselves from our motives
so that we become better and better in finding love and staying there
We all make mistakes, we all stumble, because it is dark and our eyes can only see the moment in front of us
Forgiveness for your actions is important in this state
to say 'thank you' for every moment that you live. for the pain of failure or hurt will give you experience
I said to Ivy "Just, Realize , that if you leave me behind, you will find an even more beautiful man who fits with you even more.'
She was upset and angry that i said it.
but that is life.
Life wants to give us our true love but it can only do so, when you have gone through all the experience that you need to truly love yourself and all the fears that rest inside of you
because true love sits in the equalness of lovers. than everything falls into place naturally and problems don't even exist. because every problem is just an experience that you take as a loving journey together.
we all run away.
and it is part of our process
but if life gives us the sign than it is our duty almost to dive deep in love and uncertainty and make the best out of it.
After living in the Netherlands for half a year i decided that i could not find any worthy cause why i would stay in the Netherlands to neglect my freedom of traveling.
Albanie was the country where i met my princess of snowflakes. Together with Stranets( my dog) it was time to go back home. I hitchhiked with great difficulty to let go of my princess. somehow i had this feeling that i needed to go away from her.
As i smuggled Stranets in the night train into Germany i got the message from my princess that she missed me very much.
she wanted to meet me and made the decision to go to my hometown and live with me for a period of time. and as i lived with my mother and my stepdad she came to live with them too. she had her son with her and for two months i had everything what a lonely traveler would love to experience. i was a stepdad, i had a dog and i had the princess of my dreams. What would a man want more? She taught me about pure lovemaking and her way of showing honesty made me believe that we were meant for each other. But insecurities came and i wanted to wrap myself in shadows once again. my words were waiting for me there.
One day she decided that she wanted to go back to her house in Sweden and i asked her if she wanted to take Stranets. I could see how unhappy he was here in this house and i still had the idea that i would build a live in the Netherlands so i gave him away. to find his happiness in Sweden. But horizons lie and when you have a bond so great than it is unfair for you and him to easily dismiss this fact and hide in the shadows again.
But i did what i did and i have to deal with it. i miss him and i would love to visit them but i will wait for the right time. now, there is still a longing involved and i would wait until that longing fades and only purity would stay.
So, i was all alone again. and i could think about publishing books and locking myself in my room where i will write and write and write.
i Published my third and fourth book and i was very proud. but i had to search for jobs in the meantime and do the other stuff society demands you to do.
this was not for me. so i went with my thoughts to my brother. He is psychofrenic and i wanted to help him. I wanted to walk with him to Portugal. he said yes so i arranged everything so that we could go and at the last moment he said that he could not go "why?" "I have to look after my children here and be a good father."
two things: he only had one child and he was not allowed to see her. and he never stopped using speed and other drugs which made him not a very good father.
I wanted to take him and it was important for me. he could feel how it touched me that i could not help him.
but he could not react to it in a way other people could have. He stood up, turned the volume up from a song and started to dance. I had my head down and then i heard something. I looked up to his face and it was suddenly scrunched into pain and sadness. i watched as he screamed silently, tears rolling down his cheeks and mumbling words could not find the strength to escape his mouth. All of his strength was used in the ability to cry his anger and pain away. I could only get affected and cry in the same way. we were brothers who understood how childhood shaped souls. and we could only accept and let go.
I placed myself on his legs when he sat down and he embraced me and trough his mumbling crazyness he said : "Let go of the negative."
I could not help him. i could only help myself. sometimes you help yourself by trying to help others but you have to understand the point where you tried everything and you have to let go. maybe i could return and try it again if i really want to but for now, he made the message clear. i could not help him and i had to let him go.
I decided to go. Leave everything behind and be away for ever and ever. And in that moment a girl came to me and we became lovers. Oh! no.
We met in Enschede. I should have known. Anna said it: "everything is happening in Enschede."
It snowed when our lips met. And the sun broke through. she gave me a notebook and a clover. "You are a falling star." she said. Ivy was her name.
I read her fairytales when she was sick but already made the decision to go, so i went. she was startled by my leave.
It was 6 days later when i found myself in Berlin. "Cestmir!!"
I was standing in the middle of the street when a friend i met last year looked at me with surprised eyes.
"Jump in the car. I have a cottage in the woods. let's go."
So i spend one week in the woods. Olivia was her name and she needed help with a wooden floor in her sleeping room. We talked about love and the past. Nightmares visited me for one week. it seemed that my body needed to let go of some past fears.
Anna said "Go, out of your comfort zone." i understood that my comfort zone was all the unknown.
The girl in Enschede wanted me back and that was the loss of my comfort zone and maybe i needed to follow that..
Maybe then i could stand up from my fears and confront the world with my want of being in love always.
My time in the woods was filled with all of the beauty standards of pure friendship.
and then i went to Key. A girl that i met on facebook and i had some email contact with her.
She was special for me. In a way which i did sort of expect.
It all began when i made a proclamation of my brother's situation on a facebook page of travelers.
She reacted and out of that twirled a great friendship where we both felt understood and forgiven for all our fears.
For she had a sister who is Psychofrenic.
So, as i could speak to her in the mail and in Berlin where she lived, i could feel and see the many patterns that we had in common: The fears and the doubts we shared were very, very similair. and as we sat by the canal in Berlin, we told stories and stories to each other. She was a storyteller and loved to collect stories. For 5 years she travelled around like me.
The stories that we shared went deeper and made way for our heart to be laid out. we cried when we spoke about friendship and in that moment, fireworks went off across the treetops.
Our deepest fears were seen and understood by Berlin.
I went to Leipzig and met Dancer. A chesplayer, dancer and writer. Who studied Philosophy. We swam in the lake of the park on the first day. to wash Berlin from my body.
Anna was the connection between us. She always said, for a couple of years now, that i needed to meet this guy.
and i don't regret it. This guy is awesome.
Anna came from Poland with her car to go back to the Belgian Border. Ivy and i had contact throughout this whole time.
and her parents lived close to the Belgium Border. so i saw it as a perfect oppurtunity to meet her at her Parents place and Dancer wanted to visit his twin brother in Aachen.
So there we went.
"how do you feel that you are meeting Ivy again?" Dancer asked.
"I don't know."
it was all chaos in Germany, mixed with incredible friendships and creating open paths of new beginnings. It was truly liberating but also very intoxicating.
my freedom world was smashing into this story that isabelle gave me.
This story of being in love in my Hometown.
It was ridiculous that i thought about it but somehow, there was something which attracted me to the idea of staying in my hometown and building a live with her.
Many of my traveling friends would ridicule me.
they know that my heart lays on the road.
but it was maybe the fear of never seeing my family again if i left this time that made me return.
and the basic value that you never leave people when you feel that they need you around, to get to know each other.
To go back to Ivy now. to go back to a person who loves me unconditionally. It was her loyalty that made me understand that i have to go back. To not run away anymore for any new paths of love that made me stay a little while longer.
As soon as i found myself sitting on the the bed with her. All my chaos slid from my shoulders and peacefulness resided in my bones. I kissed her and three days went by.
She had a birthday of a friend and i wanted to go to Aachen to meet the twin brother of Dancer. So we parted ways for a while. We would see each other in Enschede.
Enschede!!! I would return to Enschede again. Ah. man.
But first Aachen.. I loved the brother of Dancer and his girlfriend. They were such good people. it was unbelievable. And they loved to play board games as well!
They reacted happily to my remarks of playing boardgames now. Soon, my two favourite games were out on the table and the girlfriend won both times.
But i will get my revenge.
Enschede was next. It was 11 o clock and Ivy went to bed already. but as i walked out of the trainstation she stood suddenly in front of me.
When the train stopped in Enschede i felt misery in my bones. Like, Enschede and i had said goodbye to each other already. like he said "what are you doing back here! go home!
But her appearance made my misery transform themselves into tears and i kissed her. "Thank you."
i said.
her surprise was so precious and the most unexpected beautiful thing that ever happened to me
She transformed Enschede in that moment. She became Enschede, and i could now be the visitor of my own hometown.
I thought i said goodbye already from Enschede, but she made me understand that this was goodbye.
I stumbled into the night. A happy giant i was.
But soon we had to realize that we were not meant to be this time. I wanted to go again and be a wild flower and she wanted a stable relationship.
So, i went to Amsterdam.
to go out in the streets and discover the magic of Amsterdam and make some money to go to Leipzig and Berlin again.
-------------------
Running away is something we all do.
Some do it by heart, some are oblivious that they are doing it
but we all have these little demons inside who guide us a little bit.
and it is our job to detach themselves from our motives
so that we become better and better in finding love and staying there
We all make mistakes, we all stumble, because it is dark and our eyes can only see the moment in front of us
Forgiveness for your actions is important in this state
to say 'thank you' for every moment that you live. for the pain of failure or hurt will give you experience
I said to Ivy "Just, Realize , that if you leave me behind, you will find an even more beautiful man who fits with you even more.'
She was upset and angry that i said it.
but that is life.
Life wants to give us our true love but it can only do so, when you have gone through all the experience that you need to truly love yourself and all the fears that rest inside of you
because true love sits in the equalness of lovers. than everything falls into place naturally and problems don't even exist. because every problem is just an experience that you take as a loving journey together.
we all run away.
and it is part of our process
but if life gives us the sign than it is our duty almost to dive deep in love and uncertainty and make the best out of it.
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