When i was in the Netherlands after Marocco i saw my older brother and the way he acted with his life.
For over six years i had pushed my older brother out of my life because i could not handle the person he became. He got diagnosed as Schizofren.
I could not be happy when i saw him or act happy towards him. He got a girlfriend who is now his ex but she is pregnant of him. In one month my brother becomes a father, if he is ready or not?
On the Rainbow in Marocco i had learned that i was ready to take the final step of accepting my brother as the person he is and embrace him. not just that, even love him for who he is. A sense of true brotherhood involved itself with my feelings. So when i came back and Yuri mentioned that there was a Rainbow Gathering in the Netherlands ( just 10 minutes from the border by foot) and it was taking place in one week i made the decision of going there with my brother.
My mother, in a feeling of what the hell, dropped us off at the Rainbow and stayed there for one night with my little brother Luka. My mother instantly fell in her element and with my pushing hand she invaded the kitchen and started to make dinner. For three days the Rainbow family was still talking about the lovely lady that cooked dinner that night and her vibrant energy of freedom that filled the kitchen.
For my mom it was a jump back in time, when she was alone with five young children to take care of she went travelling with us throught Europe. Stopping on tiny ( hippie) festivals along the way.
But one of the things that she noticed on the Rainbow was not so nice. She saw how Demian, my older brother, got copied. His actions were laughable for some and that hurt my heart when i heard it from my mom. I came here to be in a place where i hoped Demian could be accepted for who he was, and even encouraged to share his crazyness with them but instead this place is not that different than the other places so i stood up in the foodcircle because i needed to expand my feelings of love and hurt towards them, hoping that they realized how stupid they were. I had the words in my hands and threw them at them. My tears came and i cried during talking and i knew it touched people because it hurted me. When i was done i saw my mom crying and next to her, Luka who couldn't stop shedding tears. They both came towards me and cuddled with me. "How is it, to see your brother doing this?"My mom asked Luka and he responded "I could not ever do this."
In the days that followed Demian played around with lots of people and i got many people who wanted to let me know that they heard me that night. We spend a week on the Rainbow. Demian played around with the kids but when they left he didn't come out of his tent to enjoy the celebrations or anything. it was at the end when i asked him why he spend so much time in the tent that he said: "The children were gone" He is just a big cuddle bear sometimes. But he wanted to stretch my limits as always and some family members said that i was to hard on him, others that they felt the love i had for him. One night i asked the foodcircle for advice and they gave me the feedback to be a brother not a doctor and let him run free and let him make mistakes. I saw that this was the only wise decision and so i did. I enjoyed the Rainbow and felt a connection with one of the girls there. On one day i kissed her inbetween the naked body's sprawled around but after two days she said that i gave her to much attention.
Once again a lesson to keep the love inside the moment and not build a future with it. After she said this i met an amazing girl who wanted to share my thoughts. We were talking about love and we had a really close conversation about fake marriage between us and the part Jealousy takes in a marriage. After our talk i felt so blessed with the feeling of love that i went into the tipi and ate dinner with the family with a feeling of being at peace with the moments that came before me.
The previous night it was full moon and i sat in the tipi with 20 people staring at me, listening and sleeping to the stories, poems and magical words coming out of my mouth. For four hours i held their attention. I did many things that night but i also asked if they had any questions for me. One of them asked "Do you write sometimes about yourself?"
This question came from the girl who i was about to meet while eating dinner. A pirate wanted my attention and started to have a monolog about his view about the Rainbow. It was quite harsh almost all the time and it hurted me two times but i didn't react. I even helped him when he forgot where he talked about. After his monolog i looked around and saw the eyes of a girl on me. I saw that she was interested in me and her smile told me that she waited for me to talk to her. Not that she was thinking it but it was the way her unconcious feelings worked. So i did not talk with her, for a few minutes. I started to improvise words on the music that was played after dinner. The girl had her head turned but when i was finished and glided my attention towards her she hesitated not and was there to guide my words to her beauty.
She opened with a sentence that told me that she was strong and wise and knew that she had to follow the feelings that made the moment unleash itself. "I noticed that you had no judgment towards that man and the monolog he held. I would interupt him more than once." "With every new word i hear, i want to know more about you."
i said "So , what i see now is that you want to jump with me in the unknown and dance on fields of grass." "yes." she answered. "Oke. But one thing, i hope that you have no great expectation of me." "I have not" she said. That night i felt the world giving me the present i always asked for when i was young but never received. The intertwine connection of your mind, body and soul came to me like it was child's play. and so we kissed. Reviving over and over again the feeling of connection and love for each other. The next day she went with me to my grandma. There i saw the beauty of love. I was not afraid anymore and i was not running away. I could see in her face all the dreams that i ever dreamed about. And this time i looked upon it with no desire towards it. I became my desire and therefore i was not longing for more. Silence i found in her footsteps. In her words, her eyes. She invited me to Amsterdam, where she was born and was living. going on an adventure of intimacy and sentences i heard like: "I don't want to work, i want to lay next to you again." Sentences i thought i would never hear.
And somehow i was not running away, I was finding strength in facing her love for me. the love that i felt for her. Every day we would spend playing and every evening we would spend talking about the playing. Talking about the way we felt towards each other. and every evening we spend kissing. And then it happened. We were in my hometown and i felt this nagging twitch in my stomach and growing untill it filled my body with the intensity of being alive and kicking. but it only happened when i saw her face, with the purest reflection of myself looking at her. I had to spend three hours, just explaining her this feeling, how much i loved her. She taught me so much about being comfortable around her.
Around woman.
She lived free and we had an open relationship. That was fine with me. I went to Poland and found out that she triggered all this pressure points in my emotional being. Pressure points that were all about finding my own strength and get off my lazy ass. One of the reasons was because she really wanted children. This got me thinking.
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