The Balkans - summer 2019

I spend a few days in Ljubljana to make poetry for the train to Belgrade.

When i arrived here, i had an adress of an appartment where Matej stayed. I walked all across Belgrade to find the adress and we could dwell in poetrical lyrical madness for a few days.
I was making poetry in the city and made enough money to go by bus to Nis and i hitchhiked to Sofia from there

Hitchhiking was a strain in my neck. it had become something that i rarely did. i prefered now to take a bus and then make enough money for the next bus.
This trip was super different than the other ones because not only did i do it with busses but also i had many plans to visit friends instead of jumping in the unknown again and again.

this made me loose the essence of who i was. but i could not do anything else because i was constricted in many strings that i still kept towards my loved ones.
for they all believed that i could find a girl and settle down and my quest was to find the path that i wanted to take and then take up my bravery again to follow it.

Sascha and Sky made this trip for me. the first one wanted me to go to Italy to see him perform and the second one wanted to live with me in Greece.

not only had i these plans but also i made the decision to return to my old friend in Macedonia to break the cycle of running away from loved ones.

In short, this journey took a heavy turn on my soul.

It was in Sofia, Bulgaria that i made the decision to go to Macedonia, to see my old friends again who wanted to see me

At the moment that i payed the bus ticket to go, i felt a huge cycle of running away breaking apart in my energy and i felt liberated from pain once again.

On the bus i met a couple who invited me to drink with them and as i went to the appointment i invited four old friends of mine to drink with us. ' I am surprised that you know so many people Cestmir.'


I felt proud of myself at this moment. that i could feel special without any judgment towards myself.

for i did return to old friends,
and it was not easy, not easy at all
to spend time with them

i forgot my own path and dived deep in the feeling of choosing friendship above loneliness.
I have a big confrontation with finding balance in friendship and loneliness.
for i have a huge issue of coming home. I always feared that i could not express my purest joy about being lonely.

but i was so happy to be with my friends that i dwelled in their embrace and began to erase loneliness for a while from my bones, to define myself as a friend who did not learn how to be lonely.

This all happened unconciously.
I was just thinking that i had a problem with believing in myself when i was with friends.

I took a trip down Memory lane to go to Ohrid. I met a travelling photographer here and we became friends.
as we sat on a bench a girl approached us. 'Hello, can i meet you?'
We were invited by her and her friends to spend the evening with them.
It was here that i was surrounded by youngsters who asked me three questions at once about my heart.

so i replied: " maybe, it is easier if i just tell you my story."
the youngsters took their places and cuddled up and i began.

Silence was heard and rose to a stand off between me and the listeners.

After an hour they all stayed in the silence that was created by my words and complimented me with deep trust and compassion.

The photographer and me hitchhiked back to Skopje and we got drunk because one car took us to drink wine.

This was the first time that i was drunk while hitchhiking and i forgot my bag with notebooks and my laptop with my harddrive.

So, all of a sudden, all of my work was gone. I had backups from every poem and story back home in Enschede but for now it did not matter. My feeling said that i lost everything and that my whole empire crumbled down into nothingness.

It took me three weeks to start writing again.
in these three weeks i was staying at my friends home in Skopje who are one of the best friends in whole Europe that i have.
They were trying to give me life back and i could rest and figure out what my next plan was.

Grass was coming to Bulgaria to meet me. Let's go to her and follow once again the road of love.