Being back home

Every story has it's lazyness. It is impossible to maintain an equal amount of attention towards all things. We choose. And so, we become. We grow older with time and we collect traits that suit our expectations. 

Sometimes we follow the words and views of the others and sometimes we run away from everything.

 Every story follows a set of rules. A shake of the mind wakes us up and we do our best to blend in with the traits that we got. 

Stories had always found me. It did not matter if i was in love or not. The wind of my mind had always contructed a story. And i tried to blend with the trait that I got. 

I loved, chased and bitched. 

Years came round and the story of me tried to be, it tried to fall in love with everyone, it tried to be happy with a community, it ceised knowing what it wanted to be. There was a world wherein everything had an order, and I did not find a place among them. I wanted to hang on, suspending from the two sides of life. Never choosing a side. and in this emptiness I found freedom. I found happiness. I found love. Could I wander this place of wonder? Could I find a home in the acceptation of the world itself. In all it's trivial powers of choice. Could I find a home among the liberty of choice. I wanted to make mistakes, I wanted to say that i did not care about the light or the darkness of myself. I could see them as pictures, images of a shattered world. And by giving mistakes the power to be happy whatever happened, i gave myself the freedom to be, without expectations and dreams.

 If you want to be free, than you let go. 

My dreams were out there somewhere waiting for me. My expectations led me. My heart was fragmented into reality and thrown in the unknown. It waited, it watched as I came. As i made mistakes and lost myself in the whirlwind of mind. But there was a string. A loose memory of a kingdom. My heart was melted in the landscapes. It could be seen in the swift change. In the breeze. And as i filled my skin with darkness, i was giving the world my light. A duality, bravery, content. It showed me the integrity of the world. Every story has it's lazyness but maybe it is possible, to represent the things we choose and love the things we cannot love. To have patience and express the details.

In love with Sky - Bulgaria 2019

Moonlit stars. Love brings bones rest from the road up ahead. it shines on the weary travelers who had chosen a moonlit night to embrace eachother outside. Comfortable and ease. shaken not by the minds who invented time. Gazed we inhaled the comfort of being together. laying cuddled in each other. and kisses are just then pure beginnings. extractions of the surroundings.

This is what Sky and me stumbled upon in Bulgaria.
we met in a city and she asked "Why do we meet in a city."
"There are more lonely stories here." i answered.

in a cafe outside a man approached us and we recognized him as he drifted more and more towards us.
"Cestmir! Sky! I live in a hippie house in the mountains. Would you like to join me there?"

it was a friend we made named Pawel in the Rainbow in Czech.

we followed him with an adventurous spirit.

it was a lovely week we spend there. it was paradise to be at such a place where we were surrounded by old friends and lovely hugs. to not spend time but make more time.

and in this slumbering of love we became the purity of love itself.

we spend hours laying in eachothers arms but also the comfort of loneliness was felt.
it was a magic ride where the tide of clashing stopped for awhile and we became a unity.

it didn't last long enough but eventually Sky went to Poland and she had a plan to pick grapes in France to earn money and i went onwards to Turkey to follow on my path of meeting my old friends and spend my time on the Rainbow there.

if she would have asked me, i would have come with her and my life would have guided me to a different reality where i would have earned money with grapes and she and i could rest easily our sorrows when we joined forces in Athens.

but Life wanted us to part ways and part ways we did.

now i choose a road without stabilitity again and  letting go of the love that i had received.

but i want all the stories in the end. i want to capture their hearts and slumber inside their secrets to inhale the possibilies that never loose faith.

I would fall in love three times in Turkey.
I would be confronted by friendship and it would be my downfall and my uprising.
I would guide a missing link to the pathways of minds and generate inspiration from broken bodies.
Guided by virtue I would stand when the darkness exhaled his breath upon me and I would be likely to dwell through Life towards dreams never possible.

But then, Dreams always have the nagging ability to come true in the end.

The Balkans - summer 2019

I spend a few days in Ljubljana to make poetry for the train to Belgrade.

When i arrived here, i had an adress of an appartment where Matej stayed. I walked all across Belgrade to find the adress and we could dwell in poetrical lyrical madness for a few days.
I was making poetry in the city and made enough money to go by bus to Nis and i hitchhiked to Sofia from there

Hitchhiking was a strain in my neck. it had become something that i rarely did. i prefered now to take a bus and then make enough money for the next bus.
This trip was super different than the other ones because not only did i do it with busses but also i had many plans to visit friends instead of jumping in the unknown again and again.

this made me loose the essence of who i was. but i could not do anything else because i was constricted in many strings that i still kept towards my loved ones.
for they all believed that i could find a girl and settle down and my quest was to find the path that i wanted to take and then take up my bravery again to follow it.

Sascha and Sky made this trip for me. the first one wanted me to go to Italy to see him perform and the second one wanted to live with me in Greece.

not only had i these plans but also i made the decision to return to my old friend in Macedonia to break the cycle of running away from loved ones.

In short, this journey took a heavy turn on my soul.

It was in Sofia, Bulgaria that i made the decision to go to Macedonia, to see my old friends again who wanted to see me

At the moment that i payed the bus ticket to go, i felt a huge cycle of running away breaking apart in my energy and i felt liberated from pain once again.

On the bus i met a couple who invited me to drink with them and as i went to the appointment i invited four old friends of mine to drink with us. ' I am surprised that you know so many people Cestmir.'


I felt proud of myself at this moment. that i could feel special without any judgment towards myself.

for i did return to old friends,
and it was not easy, not easy at all
to spend time with them

i forgot my own path and dived deep in the feeling of choosing friendship above loneliness.
I have a big confrontation with finding balance in friendship and loneliness.
for i have a huge issue of coming home. I always feared that i could not express my purest joy about being lonely.

but i was so happy to be with my friends that i dwelled in their embrace and began to erase loneliness for a while from my bones, to define myself as a friend who did not learn how to be lonely.

This all happened unconciously.
I was just thinking that i had a problem with believing in myself when i was with friends.

I took a trip down Memory lane to go to Ohrid. I met a travelling photographer here and we became friends.
as we sat on a bench a girl approached us. 'Hello, can i meet you?'
We were invited by her and her friends to spend the evening with them.
It was here that i was surrounded by youngsters who asked me three questions at once about my heart.

so i replied: " maybe, it is easier if i just tell you my story."
the youngsters took their places and cuddled up and i began.

Silence was heard and rose to a stand off between me and the listeners.

After an hour they all stayed in the silence that was created by my words and complimented me with deep trust and compassion.

The photographer and me hitchhiked back to Skopje and we got drunk because one car took us to drink wine.

This was the first time that i was drunk while hitchhiking and i forgot my bag with notebooks and my laptop with my harddrive.

So, all of a sudden, all of my work was gone. I had backups from every poem and story back home in Enschede but for now it did not matter. My feeling said that i lost everything and that my whole empire crumbled down into nothingness.

It took me three weeks to start writing again.
in these three weeks i was staying at my friends home in Skopje who are one of the best friends in whole Europe that i have.
They were trying to give me life back and i could rest and figure out what my next plan was.

Grass was coming to Bulgaria to meet me. Let's go to her and follow once again the road of love.