Yesterday, I broke up with the most awesome girl. Not because I wanted to but because I believed I had to. Some say that means the same thing. But the pressure was just too much. And then a question arises. how far are we willing to change for the person we love? Sure, Now i regret what I did. I look back and I could have asked her more questions, or I could have given us more time to know how to deal with eachother but in the end, I must admit, she had another destiny. She would laugh at me for saying this. Not because I am wrong, but because I am right. And that is the funny thing. Love and understanding for one and other can become so big; it molds into one and the baby that it forms into; it can literally become your personal universe of truth and forget to share the truth you've exposed. And we were knee deep in it. Now, that is no bad thing, if it wasn't for the lack of patience. I have dedicated my whole life to ignore the elephant in the room. That I have something in my brain that I need to adhere to, if I want to find and live a fullfilled life. If I don't integrate that part of my self, I constantly choose a life that does not fit. And then, Patience will run out eventually and my brain would reject whatever I chose. So, even if the girl was awesome in everything that she did, my brain could not chose her. That really sucks. Because I really wanted to spend a lifetime loving this girl. Now she hates me and said that she never wants to see me again. That was very painful. Like total shitshow level painful. But then again, time moves forward and it reveals. And it was there, that it hit me. My mask cracked. Tearing my self deception away from me untill i was nothing but truth and astonishment. I had a neurodivergent essence somewhere and it needed to be adressed. In dutch it is called 'Hypoplasie in het cerrebellum.' It means that the cells in your smaller brains are underdeveloped. One of the side affects is that I am highly influencable. I have dedicated my life to build a strong personality. Because, somewhere , I felt that I needed to have one if I ever wanted to feel a sense of self. But I was not strong enough to adress my neurodivergence. So, the neurodivergence laid dormant and it became a blindspot that I never adjusted to. Therefore, It had to adjust to me. And my pride. I ignored it completely, in order to build a life that didn't take it into account. And I made decisions, on who to love, and where to go, and which friends I wanted without ever asking if it could survive under the pressure that i put it through. So, when finally, I ended up alone, time and time again, and I could not keep a simple girlfriend or I could not stop breaking my friend's hearts, I asked myself where I did wrong. And finally, after this recent break up with this awesome girl, I saw clearly the point of no return. I have to see when I put my own vulnerability under too much pressure, trying to be a version of myself that I wanted to be proud of. It was time to accept the flaws of me. All of me. I could not continue, being there for the people in my life as I did before. I needed to oblige to my neurodivergence and become a person that accepted his high risk of getting influenced. It was time for my mask to reveal the person that could exist if pressure was no longer an issue if I became vulnerable. It is time for me to live without shame for something that I am.
