Believing in love

To love someone is an act of justice. Everyone deserves a little bit of love. And by spreading our own wings—by knowing how we can best love ourselves in the most inconceivable little ways—we can do more justice to the small steps we need to take as a human race in order to let the idea of love take root everywhere.

Somehow, I still believe in love. It escapes me from time to time, because love is fragile and always on the move. But I have seen it. And once you have seen something, you cannot pretend it does not exist.

Over the years, love slipped from my hands—sometimes because I broke it, sometimes because I tried to mend it when it was broken. But love is not an object. I learned that. It took hard lessons, but in the end I had to believe that love is everywhere. It sits in the atoms that life is made of. And if we are not afraid to listen to the message it speaks, we can engage with it. Then life becomes lighter—almost absurdly so—because humanity has finally received the message that the atoms themselves are key to the great survival of this wonderful planet.

There is something a good storyteller does: he knows how and when his characters want to work with him on the tale he is telling. In a way, he tells it together with them. You could even say that he was not the one who came up with the idea to tell the story at all—the characters themselves felt it was time to reveal themselves.

Every step of the story process becomes a symbiosis between his ideas and theirs. Whether you like the tale is another matter. It is not about taste; it is about the artist realizing that there may be more at work than simply the act of telling.

Maybe love works the same way. It floats around us, engaging with us. And when we love, we step into a symbiosis with that which was already there. Whatever creation prepares for us, we see it for what it is: another chance to deepen our relationship with ourselves, with each other, and with love itself.

From love come the greatest stories ever told—real, true, and powerful.

The mask cracks

 Yesterday, I broke up with the most awesome girl. Not because I wanted to but because I believed I had to. Some say that means the same thing. But the pressure was just too much. And then a question arises. how far are we willing to change for the person we love? Sure, Now i regret what I did. I look back and I could have asked her more questions, or I could have given us more time to know how to deal with eachother but in the end, I must admit, she had another destiny. She would laugh at me for saying this. Not because I am wrong, but because I am right. And that is the funny thing. Love and understanding for one and other can become so big; it molds into one and the baby that it forms into; it can literally become your personal universe of truth and forget to share the truth you've exposed. And we were knee deep in it. Now, that is no bad thing, if it wasn't for the lack of patience. I have dedicated my whole life to ignore the elephant in the room. That I have something in my brain that I need to adhere to, if I want to find and live a fullfilled life. If I don't integrate that part of my self, I constantly choose a life that does not fit. And then, Patience will run out eventually and my brain would reject whatever I chose. So, even if the girl was awesome in everything that she did, my brain could not chose her. That really sucks. Because I really wanted to spend a lifetime loving this girl. Now she hates me and said that she never wants to see me again. That was very painful. Like total shitshow level painful. But then again, time moves forward and it reveals. And it was there, that it hit me. My mask cracked. Tearing my self deception away from me untill i was nothing but truth and astonishment. I had a neurodivergent essence somewhere and it needed to be adressed. In dutch it is called 'Hypoplasie in het cerrebellum.' It means that the cells in your smaller brains are underdeveloped. One of the side affects is that I am highly influencable. I have dedicated my life to build a strong personality. Because, somewhere , I felt that I needed to have one if I ever wanted to feel a sense of self. But I was not strong enough to adress my neurodivergence. So, the neurodivergence laid dormant and it became a blindspot that I never adjusted to. Therefore, It had to adjust to me. And my pride. I ignored it completely, in order to build a life that didn't take it into account. And I made decisions, on who to love, and where to go, and which friends I wanted without ever asking if it could survive under the pressure that i put it through. So, when finally, I ended up alone, time and time again, and I could not keep a simple girlfriend or I could not stop breaking my friend's hearts, I asked myself where I did wrong. And finally, after this recent break up with this awesome girl, I saw clearly the point of no return. I have to see when I put my own vulnerability under too much pressure, trying to be a version of myself that I wanted to be proud of. It was time to accept the flaws of me. All of me. I could not continue, being there for the people in my life as I did before. I needed to oblige to my neurodivergence and become a person that accepted his high risk of getting influenced. It was time for my mask to reveal the person that could exist if pressure was no longer an issue if I became vulnerable. It is time for me to live without shame for something that I am. 

love surprises

 I sensed her presence. It was electrifying. Dangerous. 
So I pretended I didn't feel and glanced only slightly to see.

I regretted my decision but it was too late now. Luckily she didn't notice me and I followed the moving line towards the examination office. She got in the line just a few people away from me. I didn't care anymore. 
Connfidently, i took my examination neccesities and stumbled a bit while I put my personal belongings in the locker appointed to me. During my stumbling, she suddenly appeared. Her locker was next to mine and she was beautiful. 

I went into the examination room and tried to calm my nerves. There was a beautiful girl that triggered a whole lot of senses but I could't get distracted. I sat down at the appointed chair and behind the computer. Ready to forget about her and focus. There was a task to be done. But she sat in the chair next to mine and I knew that I couldn't pass up this opportunity. I wanted to but somehow I took the bait. Gently. 
"Are you ready." I asked.
She looked at me.
"No." She responded softly.
My heart pounded in my chest. Damnation to all of the feelings.
But she smiled.
In her eyes I could maybe faintly see a kind of curiosity. 
When the exams began I made a note to myself to be strong. I wasn't going to be distracted by her. So I kept my heart from engaging in unneccesary emotions and answered the questions that were shown on the computer. Every now and again she would glance at me. The slight attention that she had for me gave me an idea.

After my exam, she was still busy. I made a note for her saying 'I wish you a pleasant time with your studies.' And I placed it in front of her. She saw and smiled again while looking at me. 'Thank you!'

Back outside, I hung around with my colleagues and saw her exiting the exam room. She briefly made eye contact with me. Surely, there was something going on. But I couldn't even comprehend what it was. So i made the decision to focus on my colleagues. I asked her a question. 'Did you like the texts better or the radio fragments.' She smiled. 'The radio fragments.'

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I often though of this moment later. I hear the voice of my friend. "You are never giving any attention to the girls you like. How would they know that you like them?"

The power of falling in love is a power that keeps hitting me at the weirdest moments.