wasted energy is returned to us and becomes the power that forges a new age of prosperity

"You are betraying yourself Cestmir. Listen to yourself, please. You prefer the chaotic mess of society but you are home in the open sky! Where you can be who you want to be and there are no people who feel that they own you!" 

Several year ago, I would have laughed if you asked me if society could give me salvation and prosperity. But look at me now; I am tying myself to the tree of money and business. And I don't feel like stopping. Not because I know I will ever find any kind of happiness here. But I know that I want to use my happiness to educate myself about the highs and lows of societal life. Something inside of me was very excited at a change to jump in the middle of babylon (Society) and I got my golden ticket. After my last trip to Turkey, I got hired by a company that takes care of elderly demented. I gave up on my travels and focused on the journey that would give me another perception of who I wanted to become. I would need to sacrifice the idea that I was only a traveller. Because this idea became comfortable but it didn't feel right.  Somewhere out there, there was another destiny, a destiny that I was so afraid of that I didn't even consider it: Babylon is calling and I go all for it. And now that I'm here I feel that it is not about the money or the stupid business: It is all about wasted energy. The first few months were a struggle. The change of scenery; suddenly being thrown in corporate life and adapting and adopting the rules of societal behavior, so that my clients would feel safe around me and trust me instead of throwing me out of their houses because I behaved like a traveler who had no respect for their subtle privacy laws and ingrained sense of distance that existed between people who never met. I would follow them into their bedroom without being invited, I would eat a few too many slices of bread etc. My bosses began to supervise me and engage in weekly evaluation meetings. It was an integration process that made me stressful and not super confident. But I liked the work and something happened that was not planned at all: I began to get happiness from doing my job. Once the initial stresslevels had evaported because everything settled down I focused on the joy that I got and allowed myself to see why I got it; the job was providing me with the means to engage in human contact, It gave me enough freedom to learn from this human contact and the experiment of life could be executed while I was abiding by the rules of the societal behavior commitee of safety. And my life seemed almost to transcend. The traveler integrated into 'normal life' and adapted to the world around him just like on his travels. I was the same man, doing the same thing that I was always doing over and over again: I adapted to the scenario and integrated into the world. And slowly , my fear and hatred that I projected at the corporate life faded. It was as if I had been arguing with an idea that never argued with me in the first place. As if I was so afraid of overal experience that I wasted so much energy dividing experience into seperate brackets. Society and travellers. So that existence would have storylines that I could follow. But what if there is no storyline to be followed? What if existence is an experience that has no beginning, middle and end. I glorify the thoughts of my brain. I inject them into the world around me and therefore poison the potential that the world has, to appear before me without form. Maybe I waste energy describing and filling in the world around me. 

And all this wasted energy, of trying to divide experience, possibly distracts me from the potential of meeting the world and the persons in it, like it wants to be seen: clear and pure.

When I was travelling, I was so sure that there was a certain future in store for me and this certain future led me to believe in a certain attitude that gave me additional morals and self awareness. By expanding the reach of my potential and challenging this rigid future that I believed in, I got to see and experience beyond that future. I developed and by observing the merge between two enemies: The traveling world and the societal world, I began to get insight in the patterns of myself that wasted energy, believing in seperation and division. I felt that my heart wanted to redirect that energy to the other goal; to feel more and more in tune with the whole experience of life. I am not so stubborn anymore and the future is looking far more appealing than it was. Together with the world that has less form and with the potential that is unlocked because I freed the world from glorified thoughts that were not neccessary, I feel that my opportunity to connect with the world in a personal way has increased. The people and the world around me seem less shaped, and thus, I am more capable to rewrite what they mean. It didn't work out with my job after all. The elderly and I were not a good fit. I will focus on giving workshops instead. Maybe I can learn something. 

We are dancing together

I am learning that, in order for me to actually begin to establish myself as a human being, I have to accept the synergy that I have with reality: It is a painting that is constantly created around me and I am its most treasured detail that never changes. But the painting is only truly vivid and alive when I, the detail, does not infect it with unnecessary ideas, thoughts or heartbeats that don't fit. I only merely exist with the natural elements that every human being has. And ofcourse, I have my own swing, dance, characteristics but the painting get's too crouded when I induldge excessively in my own natural elements. The path to safe environments, talks, encounters where we harbor everyone's personality in such a way that they feel ready to open up just a little bit more, is walked upon if every feeling is accounted for. 


 And together we protect eachother from ourselves and create a poem; Not by means of setting rules or any promise or agreement that needs to remind us of the boundaries, but by natural inspiration. We ought to have relationships where we feel the internal synergy of our personalities working. And if we keep on feeling inspired ,while we create the poem with the other, it is a sign that a certain happiness gets created that last longer and has more potential. I want to accept my own behavior and adapt to healthy normal relationships, so that I am accommodating the reality that is here, so that it may find comfort in this world and, i hope, serenity.

Meeting the family

 A couple of days ago, something funny happened. I met the parents of my friend. To the outside world, it may seem that we are in a relationship and yes, we are immensly in love with eachother and she is indeed a women that gives me serenity in a world where serenity is hard to come by. And yes, we share amazing kisses and will have something more later in the future. But all of this does not make her my 'girlfriend' in the sense that I will marry her and we will raise our kids together. We are just having a beautiful time and we will see where it will lead. It may happen that we end up having all these things but for now, I am way too individual for all of that. We let the future write itself, and we don't have any pressure that we want to share with the other. But the parents don't know this ofcourse. They see their eldest daughter, falling in love with a hippy and they might see all of their hopes and dreams of what their daughter would become, and what they will share with her, shatter and crash into the endless void of the universe. The sense of nature comes knocking on their door and it is asking them to adjust all of their beliefs. I feel really bad for doing this to people, especially when they are very nice and they were very nice! But in the end, all they want is for their daughter to be happy. And maybe I have to digest that I can be a part of normal society without needing to refrain. because there is no 'normal'anyway. We had a lovely time and the world didn't end, so i guess it went alright. I just have to trust that the ego that I am carrying is greatly placed inside of me and everything that it does is ordinary. That is my mission for the next 10 years. I have placed my ego in special locations for the last 10 years ofcourse, and it got a little proud of itself. so much so that it became entitled. So, now it is time that it turns itself down a notch. It may relax in the ocean of love. No more gestures that celebrates my individuality, just because I can. No, It is time to meet the family. And this is really hard. I have to realize that I am not a stranger who kidnaps their daughter and brings her to a different universe. I would have to realize that I am relatable. That I am not special. I just have an expressive and dramatic soul who needs to believe in his fairytale stories in order to deal with reality. This makes me extragvagant but not another species. The time has come to digest the thruth. I am nothing more than a man who likes to believe in his own delusions. And whoever wants to get closer to me, has to accept that they will have to take the delusions for granted, but the funny thing is, that you could be persuaded to see that you also live in your own delusions. And serenity can come when we accept eachothers delusions. 

validating feelings

There is a lover who is in love with me but as soon as she was my lover, she had doubts about our compatibility. In this case, she asked herself why I had a connection with her. Because she knew that I had interest in a lot of women, and I found my satisfaction easily without her. She missed some kind of validation for her existence, some kind of sign that would say that she was unique in my eyes. and more mportantly, that I needed her, that I was dependent on her. I said that I always despised the need for something. I was independent! And that gave me a sense of security. But I followed her train of thought and challenged myself to look for a new way in which I could view dependency. I had not refreshed the word dependency for a few years and it was time for an update. And what i found was remarkable: I always despised dependency because I had a certain alure towards it. I secretly liked it very much, but I stopped liking it when my body and mind chose very akward human beings to be dependent on. My father for instance. But now, I was in this relationship with this women who was healthy, clear, strong, passionate, reliable, sustainable, very soft; she completely and utterly accepted my journey through life and she was sexy as the devine goddes of love herself. In short, she was the perfect human to be dependent on. And I began to see that I could overcome my insecurities. I pride myself on the many faces, many persons that I could become with a great number of different people. And accordingly, I did not cling to a single face, or a person that I became, because I saw the importance of change. But she opened my eyes. Suddenly I could see that I loved the person I was when I was with her and maybe, just maybe, I could come closer to the truth of things: That there was an essence underneath all the masks that I wear, an essence that was afraid of validating her because she would see my love for dependency and use it against me. But I can easily say that I have connections with healthy women, who are tending to their own wounds and trauma's without even wanting to involve me. And that gives me all the peace that I need to validate the abundance of feelings that exist. So that we can easily fall in love with the fragility of our own human soul and celebrate it with honor, kindness and humour. She displayed a tenderness and enthusiasm that I just couldn't get enough of. Her kisses had the distinct taste of something I had been missing for a long time: Genuine desire and sincere affection.  

It is a great discovery that we are capable to put peace into any work of art.

 Life is an artwork. We are members of the same club and we contribute each in our own way.
And we embellish life with our own unique personality.
These embelishments are diverse. That artwork can be truly wonderful. It is the highly diverse and creative pathway that gives you acces to humble alleys, cascading landscapes and treacherous emotions.

That is what my parents taught me and that is what I am teaching myself.
My father loves to feast on his own bravery and my mother has an oppion about anything. They both are ruling their own kingdom, making sure that they get the love that they think they deserve. I was brought up in their image. I have to make sure I get the love that I deserve. I am ruling my own kingdom and I love to have an oppinion about everything and feast on my own bravery. I have lived with my mother all my life, making sure that I would live in her bubble of time so that she could take care of me and I gave my father admiration and a loyalty that would end in death. I did this because I loved the image that they created. I loved that they ruled their own kingdom. They have personalities that command a room, and the room will be impressed by their appearance and how they walk through it, with confidence and grace. I praised them. But as I grew up, I understood what their flaw was; Both of them had a tendency to interact with me only when it was convenient for them. They didn't teach me the value of staying in difficult situations and see them transform into opportunities for self-reflection and growth. Despite being adept at turning life into a celebration, they struggled to teach me the wisdom of navigating life's complex emotions. It's understandable, considering the circumstances—my father left, leaving my remarkable mother to manage on her own. While she did her best to provide me with a loving and nurturing environment, the underlying pain of my experiences remained palpable. I couldn't fault my parents for their shortcomings in attention and affection; it was a consequence of the challenging circumstances we faced. Instead, I became acutely aware of the systemic inequalities that permeated our society. Despite being born into a world that espoused equality, the reality was far from it. Injustices persisted, impacting individuals and communities worldwide, forcing people to adapt to a system that favored some over others based on factors like income and social status. Many fell prey to the temptation of opportunism, opting to conform to the prevailing inequality rather than challenge it. Witnessing my parents' struggles, I realized the damaging effects of a mindset that divides the shared human experience, hindering our quest for justice and beauty. It became clear to me that I needed to channel the positive energy instilled by my parents while staying true to the natural ebb and flow of emotions. By doing so, I hoped to spread harmony throughout the universe and remind others of a time when we didn't succumb to external systems promising opportunism: valuing them as more important than the gentle protection we can give to internal systems. There was a time when our own sense of fairness sufficed, offering the chance to share happiness, wealth, and comfort with everyone. This could happen because concepts such as happiness and comfort were not given form, they were just experienced. And as long as we prolong our need to give everything a certain form , these concepts, such as happiness and comfort become concepts that are determined and explainable. This transformation is very sad. But i get it, the stream of information and the vast complexity of the universe are both tempting, we are easily drawn to their uniqeness, which makes us want to define it, and this quest to define everything around us makes us educate ourselves. and the education that we receive will be so fantastic that we cannot stop explaining and determine the elements that shape these discoveries. And slowly, day by day, we find ourselves in the middle of a big world full of explainable and determined meaning that is a consequence of our education. This would not be so tragic, if we could see the meaninglessness of our actions. Unfortunatly, we think that our actions are very important and it is neccessary to have an opinion. And so, you might find yourself in a world where the information and the complexity of the universe are not only explainable and determined, or valued but also ruled by the stubborness of humans. This is all very tragic for the ones who just want to experience  the meaning that the universe can have. But somehow, they are forced to put value on the things they discover and things like morality and pressure begin to mold them into a person who forgets the open view that is the source of their positivity and through life's challenges, they get bitter and confused because they adapt to our closed mindset. And if they are lucky, they admit to themself one day that they had wandered off from their original course and they want to go back to the unexplainable universe that is ruled by kindness and exploration. But now they finds themself alone, in the middle of a world where the other people still believe in the stubborness of reality. But here it is, where we are challenged to still belief and not adapt. It is not too late to belief in the kindness and exploration of our own soul. It is not too late to extract some kind of love for our inner world from our mind and expose it to the outside world. I find it magical, to alchemise with our fears and deepest pains and transform them into lightness, softness and care. Even though we don't feel and get the support to extract that love, we find it somehow in our own stubborness. And when the time is right, when we again try to share our love with the world and it find reciprication, than we can begin to put peace into that work of art that is ourselves. 

Identity: How to be one with the stage

 Who am I is the funniest question of all time. It is clearly a very obvious one. But this question grasped the curious minds of centuries of people. Who am I? During my travels, I came across very many different ways in which answers to this question were found. The search for an explanation seemed to, not only captivate but engage, the applicant who was applying for an answer. Identity is not merely a message, a vibration stuck in a vessel, a consciousness, but it is exactly and only the thing that you, at that point, decide that it is. I like to believe that an person can use the concepts available to him to design its own unique identity. Such mastery of usage is extraordinary and precious. It reminds me of a theaterplay where an actor has different masks of identity in his possesion and he switches between them, without guilt or shame. The actor is not afraid that the audience will get confused as to who the actor is playing, because the actor brings them with him into the world of every mask, lets them meet every mask. And after a while, the actor's identity seems seeminglessly tied to the masks themselves, almost letting the audience forget that their exist a difference between him and them. Identity is the shell and inside is where life happens, it is the stage where the actor plays around with his masks. We all want to crack open our own shell and eat from the nut that is buried there and consists of many flavors, we all want to become that actor who gives his audience a true and pure performance, not because he is trying to incorporate and be but he is. So, how do we even begin the journey to be one with the stage, so that we can eat the flavoured nut? 

A deam is a wish your heart makes

In the realm of dreams, the fabric of reality suddenly became something that breathed creativity. I confess that I love dreaming far more than that I have willingness to surrender to the boundaries of human morale.  But they always seemed to be holding hands: the moralities and the dreams. How far was I willing to go, to subject myself to both. Was I able to experience the threshold of morality, if my dreams would ever go that way. I  was perceived as a person who had no moral compass. There were only dreams that I had sworn my loyalty to. Thruth be told, I did what I wanted without ever questioning if these things were good or bad but if they were fueled by love or hate. Love can make you do stupid things, because you want to control love but it easily turns into hate without you ever realising it. Love and hate always were brothers in arms. They fought side by side during the history of mankind but not anymore. I had many dreams that a new era would come. An era where only love existed, because we all knew suddenly that we didnt need hate after all, to fuel our passion and protect our way of life. I always wondered why we felt so lost, and alone. And it was simple: We are not accustomed to the way of life where only love exist. In my dreams, loneliness was cured and confusion was no more because we lived in a world of love. All around us, that love was sustainable and comforting. And everyone still had their differences and battles, but the struggles were being communicated and the pain that someone felt was given the space to explore its own confusion. I knew that the morale of the people needed a shift in perspective. The benefits of judging the world, not through the lens of good and bad but through the lens of love and hate, are becoming more and more clear.

The tale begins with a vision of boredom when we realise that we don't get the neccesary requirments from our surroundings to be happy. Blame was cast on opposing forces, and a sense of guilt lingered for the incomprehensible aspects of life. Yet, a new narrative emerged—one that wove stories inspiring desparate elements to unite and construct communities.

Men cleansed themselves in the river at sundown, shedding shame and guilt born from neglect.

The focus was on establishing humanity, fostering a world of possibilities, and striving for maintenance. Yet, in the pursuit, pride infiltrated, and greed took root out of fear of failure. Abundance, choice, and possibilities abounded, but the so-called urge to cling to identity and its trivial safety persisted.

Forgotten was the inherent beauty in life's challenges—an exploration encompassing love in every facet of movement. The realization dawned that other cultures could be allies, bound by the universal struggle of pain. The chance arose to break the barriers that separated minds, healing hearts through the shared activity of humane laughter.

Yet, an essential element was missing—the urgency to integrate the aristocracy of love with the stark reality of our minds, to focus on the divine harmony in every encounter. Prejudice, a pervasive distraction, turned individuals into puppets driven by personal desires.

Hate sought control, veiled in righteousness, causing identities to clash. But blaming each other for merely existing was not humanity's task. A vision emerged—a world where every aspect lingered before expression, where fairytales replaced consumption, and love graced every city's nightly dance.

Diverse outlooks on life gained equal value to cherished relationships. The precipice of discovering something intensely personal loomed—a testament to bravery as stories intertwined. Humanity had no right to distinguish and separate; it was but a fragment in the vast organism of the world.

Letting go of differences allowed the discovery of alikeness—a strange unity of desires resembling a single heartbeat beneath scattered identities. The priority became breaking away from hate, becoming one heartbeat again.

Dreams crumbled in the facade of make-believe, prompting reflection on the why. The magic of love, when used without payment, invited a clever reality full of inflated self-worth.