To walk down the mountain

I am aware that I walk a road that is very strange to understand but you have to understand that the road began with a lot of misery. Instead of being happy with the choice to believe in the structure of society, I was more happy to throw it all away and fight against it. Instead of a place, a person and a life who offered me security, I believed emptiness and suffering and futility were gateways to greater things. If you would say that It seems that I have no willpower, I would not argue with you because I loved the weakening of my walls to let love throw me of guard. And with my actions, I ventured further and further away from human pleasures that were easy accessible. Life was giving me all of these opportunities and for some reason I could not accept them because I kept dreaming of something that did not exist. untill it did.

Life was never somebody who gave me presents that were enough to satisfy me. He often gave me attention and care but instead of taking his presents and satisfy myself with my surroundings, i focused on adventures or possibilities that were not possible. I asked too much of my environments, putting a strain on them and they began to get bored of me, or confusingly they would see me as a young boy who wanted nothing than to be a mystery, someone who always wanted to find the extreme measures by which a heart can distinguish itself but who was not genuine or sympathetic. 

Every environment is limited in the resources that they have available for you. I didn't accept that and I wanted more pain, more awareness, more feelings. Eventually, this escalated to the point that I was devastated and heartbroken because I could not get my desires. I grew afraid of the world because they believed in limitation and I locked myself up in my room. I would blame people for not opening their hearts, I would hate my family members, I would forget about happiness and suicidal thoughts found me. I knew that I would never take my own life but I grew tired of trying to live in a world where my needs were not met. I tried too many times and now it was time to let go. Society pushed me away and the road called me. I didn't care if I had succes or failure, I only focused now on my own needs which were pretty easy: I wanted to learn how to let go of everything and I wanted to celebrate the futility of my own existence. Even though i didn't expect that i would live to see how much futily I actually had. 

But something unexpected happend. A last hope inside of me came up with an impossible idea to make live meaningfull. And out of desperation I wrote this last hope down.

I wrote down that I absolutely, without a doubt, wanted to find three girls. It was very necessary that I needed to find them because these girls were my ticket to life. If I managed to find them, I promised, I would have faith in my environments again and I would be thankful for every gift that crossed my path. So I began looking for them. This was my ultimate love letter to the world.  A true love, a princess and a queen. Three titles, three womanly figures, three chances to submit to the presents that life brings us. But I didn't know that my journey would lead me to understand my desire for unnecessary display of character and step by step, i taught myself how to adapt to the limited resources while awkwardly, becoming more aware of myself and accepting my own futility. 

The road adopted me for the years to come and I noticed happily that my needs were met. I learned with every step to let go and my finite existence was wonderfully celebrated. My search for the three girls was also underway: I had written hundreds of poems for any type of girl, boy or child. The more poems I wrote, the more I found generosity and kindness for my choice to follow the path of letting go and the people seemed unexpectedly happy to celebrate the smallest bittersweet finite moment with me and help me find the three girls; I did not ask for directions, nor did I explain what I was looking for because it seemed to me not a thing to tell, but I observed how humanity could write their own story and could find meaning in that. The process in which I would scrutinize and dissect my daily choices gave me insight in the wonderful world of thinking and how thoughts often were your own worst enemy. I began to pay attention to the instinctual habits my thoughts would have and wonder if they were coming from thoughtpatterns that were aligned with my fairytale. And I found out that most of them were not. Most of them dealt with death and insanity and hatred and so on, thoughts that spun into feelings that often kept me from my fairytale just because they existed. It seemed that I still had the desire to ask for more than I was given and this desire attracted the wrong kinds of frequency, so I spend most of the first four years of my traveling getting rid of these thoughts. I simply had to journey to the source of where these thoughts came from and find a memory there that I needed to overwrite. By means of reflection and hard pursuit I managed to find these memories that did not think highly of themselves and with enough willpower I managed to pursuade them to believe in the benefit of themselves. Once, in an appartment in Prague, I had just baked pancakes when I fully immersed, quite suddenly, in a 24 hour decline of mental sanity. And instead of fighting against the immoral images and feelings, I mustered all the willpower and courage that I had and followed the path of insanity. Total darkness was the side affect of my decline but my willpower and courage were there, present and familiar. In the dark, I had a choice. I could become self aware or drift of into nothingness. When I made the choice to become self aware, the images and feelings became denser and more immediate, they were not an illusive darkness anymore but a story that spoke to me. The pain of possesing such density became noticeable but with the growing of the pain, also clarity came. And with that clarity, an answer was forming itself out of the shadows. 'My dad!'
Suddenly the whole finite experience of power came crashing through the shields of my consciousness and it broke my illusions that had kept me in a state that still believed that I was free of my parents. 
I was not. Right there in front of me, the darkness was denser that ever before and it asked me a question. It wanted to know if I wanted to hate my father for being, and that would be the end of it, or was I curious as to what could be found behind all the hate that I projected towards him. 
I decided to continue. I expected more darkness to come, at least some more clarifying images or feelings but none of that. Instead, as I dived deeper into my own self awareness, I came across a feeling that I had never believed in or witnessed or felt nor seen. It was peace. Sudden and awful as the silence before the storm. But this was the aftermatch. The fields of green after the chaos of the dark. And as I silently observed the images within my own mind, I could begin to believe. And my fairytale actually started to meet it's first guide and best friend the day after, on the streets of Prague. 

Paradise

 It had been more than 6 months after the adventures in my last blog. I was seated in my old familiar chair in the Netherlands. My many books held my attention from time to time and the old room where i grew up became ever more accustomed to my presence. It was here where i hid away from the world and the magic of every moment was put in normal daily practises that were shared by the majority of the population in the world. I worked in a cartire factory and as a dishwasher in the favourite vegan restaurant. I had seen a few girls and had visited some old friends. Time passed by as the winter expressed its emotions. But time came knocking on my door on one unexpected midday. It came in the form of a girl with a sentence: "I missed you for four years. I am ready. To live in paradise with you." Okay, she gave me more that a few sentences but this was what awoke me from my slumber. Slowly I recalled a moment four years ago. 

 There was a friend of her who hugged me in a forest that made it all happen. she had ran to Istanbul, took Odin by the hand and said to her that she had to meet a guy in a forest. We met under precarious curcumstances. She had a monogomous relationship, I was a young boy. We were not supposed to meet. But love could be tricky.

I had kissed and danced with more women but no one touched me quite like her. There was something about her that resonated with me. Something about her voice and vision brought me back to a feeling I had lost a long time ago. It was time to liberate myself from the shackles of pain and guilt that I had acquired, perhaps, in the vast openess of landscapes, I could find true freedom. A freedom not contingent on options, choices, people, or situations that rescued me from my own turmoil.; I had left many feelings behind that posessed me when I was a kid because they seemed unreachable when I got older but I could maybe invite my own passion to take control of them again. 


I knew that I would have to return to the feeling of blisfulness; There was a tenderness involved. And even though I lived on, some tenderness had gone away from me as I tried to be part of this world. I had hoped that my lingering resentment towards living in this world had faded away at this point but it remained as a feeling that kept me from making certain connections with the reality around me. The memory of Odin reminded me of the wish to see a vision come to fruition; It was time to stand for who I was and follow the honor of my own dreams. Odin reminded me that I was good enough as I was. And I started to prepare as every year to travel Europe. Every year it was the same routine. But this time I hoped that it was going to be a journey of inspiration that could make me belief in connection again. 

It all started long ago. I had been four years old when I wanted to explain my vision of life. I couldn't speak. Silently I could not help crying. for the past that I needed to leave behind but created me and the future where I didn't live for. It was time to bring the moment into awareness that I only cared for the feeling that happened to exist in my heart and I believed, reality shifted with that care. Even though it was hard to understand and accept that my tears could only be shed for the beauty and the agony of the present, my family around me never had a priority to give extra importance to the moment, it was the moment that captivated me. And whatever feeling came to the surface or whichever road appeared before me, I would enjoy and suffer to deligate my personality into an symbiosis with the road that appeared. 

This blogpost begins when my grandma died. A century of culture died with her. And the spirit that she had possesed was released in the athmosphere. Sadness came over my family like a warm blanket that made us remember what Grandma taught us. We couldn't rely anymore on her to keep us protected. Our differences would not have the wine of grandma to remember that they were forgiven. I always felt that Grandma gave us the chance to accept our own weirdness and I often came to her whenever I felt that the world had mistaken my weirdness for an attack. I used that acceptance as the beginning of a road towards paradise . She was the beginning of openess. Now that she had died, I felt that she released me from my need to visit her every year. She gave me the permission to continue the journey of openess that she had started and she wanted to come with me to the borders of the earth and expand the vision of acceptance that she had seeded within me. My grandma had spend a good time of her teenage years in a Japanese warcamp in Indonesia. She had been scared of the finite experience of life and she had neglected misery as best as she could because she just wanted to spend her time believing in the positive side of everything which she believed in every moment that she could. At the age of 92 she still went to the underground Amsterdam rap concert of my brother. I know that she rests now in the infinite time and space that surrounds us and she integrated with the energy waves of grandpa, making love till the universe would seize to exist and I would honor them by being honest about my own limitations but still hold space and be patient. When I watched over my grandma's body, Odin came to me with the news that she had gone to Copenhagen and met Abe. When she first had mentioned that she would go to Copenhagen, she was curious if I had some friends there and I introduced her to Abe. I was very excited how their meeting had gone and my vision of paradise was truly not prepared for the beauty of what they had to share. Before Odin came to copenhagen I had a remarkable sense of enlightment and it told me that Odin and Abe were perfect for eachother. I told them both to let the universe guide them to the pureness of observation and whatever happened was okay. For some days I had not heard any news and now Odin called me up with a shyness that I didn't yet encounter from her. The next words that she shared at that moment were giving me the affirmation that life wanted to be shared. Life wanted to be an open possibility to look for some kind of reflection that would make us feel at home and safe and honored. I felt immense relieve wash over me when Odin gave me the news that she and Abe had made love and rolled around in the grass as two newly crazy in love lovers. And there was the emotion of pleasure that I was aware of because I celebrated their succes in finding eachother. I felt that the world had given us the beginning. It starts with belief, and a vision and it can grow into the reality of our lives and bloom. It is a constant belief and surrender to the openness and power of life and the many ways in which it can bloom and show it's face. Everyone needs a hug or a compliment that fits with their own expectations, to see that their ego is also okay and very invited to live within life. I loved so immensly the infinite faces that life could have that I admired the stretch of possibilities and I wanted to rest in the infinite time and space and integrate with the energy waves of my loved ones, giving them love, peace and understanding. Right about now, I imagined that the universe had given me Odin and Odin had given me the universe to realize that it was time to realize how the world experienced love.

That night, dreams came. They brought me back to my childhood. I was once again a kid who could not speak. In my dreams, I saw that the heart that I had owned as a young kid was filled with these gifts of love. My whole heart was an organism that used expression to highlight certain areas of itself. I was amazed as the dreams invited me further into the depths of this discovery. It told me that that heart knew that it needed to be loved in order for it to flourish. All expression was a means to an end and hopefully we use the right expressions to be understood. It brought me to tears. Because I knew how utterly misunderstood we all were. And when I woke up, I suddenly cried because my dream explained me what it meant to be found: If all expression was just an attempt for us to be loved, than we just have to find the persons who understand that, all what we do is an attempt at love. And an athmosphere of togetherness clouded my judgment as soon as I became aware of that statement. A feeling that the emptiness inside of me filled itself with light overwhelmed me and the feeling of laughter presented my spirit with the outrageous permission to fill my body with a wholeness. The kid who couldn't speak spoke with a vengeance to the grown version of himself and the spirit and the mind came together. I understood finally that my Paradise was hidden in the understanding of the intricate dungeon we created for ourselves, just because we tried to be loved and the only thing we want is to find an exit to our selfmade dungeon and kiss the love that awaits us there. I had been on the look out for togetherness, understanding and the occasional spark of acceptance and it was, as soon as I became self aware of my own strength, right in front of me. I woke up with the knowledge that that kid was proud of me. He was so proud in fact, that  he forgave my indiscretions: He had seen me throw my life away at the whim of love, uprooted my status in reality time and time again for the craziest adventures, and he had become slightly worried that all of that whimsical behaviour led to nothing. He had been worried that I would end up broken and alone, always chasing a dream of a perfect image that I could not share with anyone. But now, Oh my gosh! It saw for the first time that it could be shared, that I was not crazy! There were people out there who actually believed in the foolish dream of a madman. And with the finding of that belief, I could interact with the world in a very different way. More compassion flowed from me, more patience and understanding for the people. With the knowledge that my own paradise was being fulfilled right in front of my eyes, I could have more empathy for the world around me. As if I had been afraid that people could take my paradise from me if I didn't posses it yet. And I knew ofcourse that this was just the beginning of my paradise but it was a special and important step in the right direction. We live in a time where love should flow with an immensity that hasn't been witnissed since a long time. This intense river of love is visible throught acts of conversations that heals the soul, the sharing of our most precious possesions and the readiness to sacrifice these possesions without objection. the river of love will wash away the stench of entitled people, liberate countries and spread wealth in this earth. And it begins with the simplicity that we can give to our own dreams. 

So I began on my quest yet again that I had abandoned partly four years ago. A vigor rose in me, a spark and an inspiration to start again the search for my queen. I never did understand why I desperatly scoured the earth in search of her. I think it is because I am an impossible romantic. Four years ago I had found her, only to know that she was in a relationship with a man who didn't want to share. So this was my second chance, to not only find her again but actually dive in the reflection that she gives and learn and mature while we discovered eachother. This was everything I ever wanted. And this was also the only way in which I could resurface from the bachelor lifestyle: If I had begun a relationship with anyone else, I would have had a lingering taste that was never really satisfied. So it was a gift far beyond mere pleasantry that Odin gave me. And from that day forward, I began to repay that gift by paying attention to my dream that forgave everyone and co created a world where love crossed to the land of undefined territory while making it less scary to travel there and far more appealing because the world of love had been explored more thoroughly. In short, I felt the inspiration again to embark on a road that treated the roots of pain and healed the wounds of it. I was unaware of the impact Odin would have on my outlook on life but in the months to come, the road where I embarked on made me mature far beyond my imagination. It is like, catching the whiff of a good story and never want to finish the book the story is in, but instead, the story sits inside a human and thus making it all the more real, interesting and far more elusive. It is like an addiction. But Odin didn't like it. She said that I had too high expectations and while I was reading the book that she was, I neglected the book that w could write together, and the one she was writing. So I made a promise to her that the book I was reading about her had come to an end. We did a small ceremony where I spoke to the universe and agreed that my search fot a fairytale had come to an end: I found my queen and now it was time to meet Odin. This ceremony did not only make her feel good and happy but I felt that my first lesson had begun, my fantasy was truly over and I said goodbye to the on-going process of my addiction to be afraid of real sensations.I thanked my past immensely for all the things it had done and but it was time to open myself up to people. It was time to write a new story.