The mask cracks

 Yesterday, I broke up with the most awesome girl. Not because I wanted to but because I believed I had to. Some say that means the same thing. But the pressure was just to much. And then a question arises. how far are we willing to change for the person we love? Sure, Now i regret what I did. I look back and I could have asked her more questions, or I could have given us more time to know how to deal with eachother but in the end, I must admit, she had another destiny. She would laugh at me for saying this. Not because I am wrong, but because I am right. And that is the funny thing. Love and understanding can become so big; it molds into one and the baby that it forms into; it can literally become your personal universe of truth. And we were knee deep in it. Now, that is no bad thing, if it wasn't for the lack of patience. I have dedicated my whole life to ignore the elephant in the room. That I have something in my brain that I need to adhere to, if I want to find and live a fullfilled life. If I don't integrate that part of my self, I constantly choose a life that does not fit. And then, Patience will run out eventually and my brain would reject whatever I chose. So, even if the girl was awesome in everything that she did, my brain did not chose her. That really sucks. Because I really wanted to spend a lifetime loving this girl. And I could have, if I just could have seen that she was not destined to be my girlfriend but a really good friend. Now she hates me and said that she never wants to see me again. That was very painful. Like total shitshow level painful. But then again, time moves forward and it reveals. And it was there, that it hit me. My mask cracked. Tearing my self deception away from me untill i was nothing but truth and astonishment. I had a neurodivergent essence somewhere and it needed to be adressed. In dutch it is called 'Hypoplasie in het cerrebellum.' It means that the cells in your smaller brains are underdeveloped. One of the side affects is that I am highly influencable. I have dedicated my life to build a strong personality. Because, somewhere , I felt that I needed to have one if I ever wanted to feel a sense of self. But I was not strong enough to adress my neurodivergence. So, the neurodivergence laid dormant and it became a blindspot that I never adjusted to. Therefore, It had to adjust to me. And my pride. I ignored it completely, in order to build a life that didn't take it into account. And I made decisions, on who to love, and where to go, and which friends I wanted without ever asking if it could survive under the pressure that i put it through. So, when finally, I ended up alone, time and time again, and I could not keep a simple girlfriend or I could not stop breaking my friend's hearts, I asked myself where I did wrong. And finally, after this recent break up with this awesome girl, I saw clearly the point of no return. I had to see when I put my own vulnerability under too much pressure, trying to be a version of myself that I wanted to be proud of. It was time to accept the flaws of me. All of me. I could not continue, being there for the people in my life as I did before. I needed to oblige to my neurodivergence and become a person that accepted his high risk of getting influenced. It was time for my mask to reveal the person that could exist if pressure was no longer an issue if he became vulnerable. It is time for me to live without shame for something that I am. 

love surprises

 I sensed her presence. It was electrifying. Dangerous. 
So I pretended I didn't feel and glanced only slightly to see.

I regretted my decision but it was too late now. Luckily she didn't notice me and I followed the moving line towards the examination office. She got in the line just a few people away from me. I didn't care anymore. 
Connfidently, i took my examination neccesities and stumbled a bit while I put my personal belongings in the locker appointed to me. During my stumbling, she suddenly appeared. Her locker was next to mine and she was beautiful. 

I went into the examination room and tried to calm my nerves. There was a beautiful girl that triggered a whole lot of senses but I could't get distracted. I sat down at the appointed chair and behind the computer. Ready to forget about her and focus. There was a task to be done. But she sat in the chair next to mine and I knew that I couldn't pass up this opportunity. I wanted to but somehow I took the bait. Gently. 
"Are you ready." I asked.
She looked at me.
"No." She responded softly.
My heart pounded in my chest. Damnation to all of the feelings.
But she smiled.
In her eyes I could maybe faintly see a kind of curiosity. 
When the exams began I made a note to myself to be strong. I wasn't going to be distracted by her. So I kept my heart from engaging in unneccesary emotions and answered the questions that were shown on the computer. Every now and again she would glance at me. The slight attention that she had for me gave me an idea.

After my exam, she was still busy. I made a note for her saying 'I wish you a pleasant time with your studies.' And I placed it in front of her. She saw and smiled again while looking at me. 'Thank you!'

Back outside, I hung around with my colleagues and saw her exiting the exam room. She briefly made eye contact with me. Surely, there was something going on. But I couldn't even comprehend what it was. So i made the decision to focus on my colleagues. I asked her a question. 'Did you like the texts better or the radio fragments.' She smiled. 'The radio fragments.'

--------------------

I often though of this moment later. I hear the voice of my friend. "You are never giving any attention to the girls you like. How would they know that you like them?"

The power of falling in love is a power that keeps hitting me at the weirdest moments. 

wasted energy is returned to us and becomes the power that forges a new age of prosperity

"You are betraying yourself Cestmir. Listen to yourself, please. You prefer the chaotic mess of society but you are home in the open sky! Where you can be who you want to be and there are no people who feel that they own you!" 

Several year ago, I would have laughed if you asked me if society could give me salvation and prosperity. But look at me now; I am tying myself to the tree of money and business. And I don't feel like stopping. Not because I know I will ever find any kind of happiness here. But I know that I want to use my happiness to educate myself about the highs and lows of societal life. Something inside of me was very excited at a change to jump in the middle of babylon (Society) and I got my golden ticket. After my last trip to Turkey, I got hired by a company that takes care of elderly demented. I gave up on my travels and focused on the journey that would give me another perception of who I wanted to become. I would need to sacrifice the idea that I was only a traveller. Because this idea became comfortable but it didn't feel right.  Somewhere out there, there was another destiny, a destiny that I was so afraid of that I didn't even consider it: Babylon is calling and I go all for it. And now that I'm here I feel that it is not about the money or the stupid business: It is all about wasted energy. The first few months were a struggle. The change of scenery; suddenly being thrown in corporate life and adapting and adopting the rules of societal behavior, so that my clients would feel safe around me and trust me instead of throwing me out of their houses because I behaved like a traveler who had no respect for their subtle privacy laws and ingrained sense of distance that existed between people who never met. I would follow them into their bedroom without being invited, I would eat a few too many slices of bread etc. My bosses began to supervise me and engage in weekly evaluation meetings. It was an integration process that made me stressful and not super confident. But I liked the work and something happened that was not planned at all: I began to get happiness from doing my job. Once the initial stresslevels had evaported because everything settled down I focused on the joy that I got and allowed myself to see why I got it; the job was providing me with the means to engage in human contact, It gave me enough freedom to learn from this human contact and the experiment of life could be executed while I was abiding by the rules of the societal behavior commitee of safety. And my life seemed almost to transcend. The traveler integrated into 'normal life' and adapted to the world around him just like on his travels. I was the same man, doing the same thing that I was always doing over and over again: I adapted to the scenario and integrated into the world. And slowly , my fear and hatred that I projected at the corporate life faded. It was as if I had been arguing with an idea that never argued with me in the first place. As if I was so afraid of overal experience that I wasted so much energy dividing experience into seperate brackets. Society and travellers. So that existence would have storylines that I could follow. But what if there is no storyline to be followed? What if existence is an experience that has no beginning, middle and end. I glorify the thoughts of my brain. I inject them into the world around me and therefore poison the potential that the world has, to appear before me without form. Maybe I waste energy describing and filling in the world around me. 

And all this wasted energy, of trying to divide experience, possibly distracts me from the potential of meeting the world and the persons in it, like it wants to be seen: clear and pure.

When I was travelling, I was so sure that there was a certain future in store for me and this certain future led me to believe in a certain attitude that gave me additional morals and self awareness. By expanding the reach of my potential and challenging this rigid future that I believed in, I got to see and experience beyond that future. I developed and by observing the merge between two enemies: The traveling world and the societal world, I began to get insight in the patterns of myself that wasted energy, believing in seperation and division. I felt that my heart wanted to redirect that energy to the other goal; to feel more and more in tune with the whole experience of life. I am not so stubborn anymore and the future is looking far more appealing than it was. Together with the world that has less form and with the potential that is unlocked because I freed the world from glorified thoughts that were not neccessary, I feel that my opportunity to connect with the world in a personal way has increased. The people and the world around me seem less shaped, and thus, I am more capable to rewrite what they mean. It didn't work out with my job after all. The elderly and I were not a good fit. I will focus on giving workshops instead. Maybe I can learn something. 

We are dancing together

I am learning that, in order for me to actually begin to establish myself as a human being, I have to accept the synergy that I have with reality: It is a painting that is constantly created around me and I am its most treasured detail that never changes. But the painting is only truly vivid and alive when I, the detail, does not infect it with unnecessary ideas, thoughts or heartbeats that don't fit. I only merely exist with the natural elements that every human being has. And ofcourse, I have my own swing, dance, characteristics but the painting get's too crouded when I induldge excessively in my own natural elements. The path to safe environments, talks, encounters where we harbor everyone's personality in such a way that they feel ready to open up just a little bit more, is walked upon if every feeling is accounted for. 


 And together we protect eachother from ourselves and create a poem; Not by means of setting rules or any promise or agreement that needs to remind us of the boundaries, but by natural inspiration. We ought to have relationships where we feel the internal synergy of our personalities working. And if we keep on feeling inspired ,while we create the poem with the other, it is a sign that a certain happiness gets created that last longer and has more potential. I want to accept my own behavior and adapt to healthy normal relationships, so that I am accommodating the reality that is here, so that it may find comfort in this world and, i hope, serenity.

Meeting the family

 A couple of days ago, something funny happened. I met the parents of my friend. To the outside world, it may seem that we are in a relationship and yes, we are immensly in love with eachother and she is indeed a women that gives me serenity in a world where serenity is hard to come by. And yes, we share amazing kisses and will have something more later in the future. But all of this does not make her my 'girlfriend' in the sense that I will marry her and we will raise our kids together. We are just having a beautiful time and we will see where it will lead. It may happen that we end up having all these things but for now, I am way too individual for all of that. We let the future write itself, and we don't have any pressure that we want to share with the other. But the parents don't know this ofcourse. They see their eldest daughter, falling in love with a hippy and they might see all of their hopes and dreams of what their daughter would become, and what they will share with her, shatter and crash into the endless void of the universe. The sense of nature comes knocking on their door and it is asking them to adjust all of their beliefs. I feel really bad for doing this to people, especially when they are very nice and they were very nice! But in the end, all they want is for their daughter to be happy. And maybe I have to digest that I can be a part of normal society without needing to refrain. because there is no 'normal'anyway. We had a lovely time and the world didn't end, so i guess it went alright. I just have to trust that the ego that I am carrying is greatly placed inside of me and everything that it does is ordinary. That is my mission for the next 10 years. I have placed my ego in special locations for the last 10 years ofcourse, and it got a little proud of itself. so much so that it became entitled. So, now it is time that it turns itself down a notch. It may relax in the ocean of love. No more gestures that celebrates my individuality, just because I can. No, It is time to meet the family. And this is really hard. I have to realize that I am not a stranger who kidnaps their daughter and brings her to a different universe. I would have to realize that I am relatable. That I am not special. I just have an expressive and dramatic soul who needs to believe in his fairytale stories in order to deal with reality. This makes me extragvagant but not another species. The time has come to digest the thruth. I am nothing more than a man who likes to believe in his own delusions. And whoever wants to get closer to me, has to accept that they will have to take the delusions for granted, but the funny thing is, that you could be persuaded to see that you also live in your own delusions. And serenity can come when we accept eachothers delusions. 

validating feelings

There is a lover who is in love with me but as soon as she was my lover, she had doubts about our compatibility. In this case, she asked herself why I had a connection with her. Because she knew that I had interest in a lot of women, and I found my satisfaction easily without her. She missed some kind of validation for her existence, some kind of sign that would say that she was unique in my eyes. and more mportantly, that I needed her, that I was dependent on her. I said that I always despised the need for something. I was independent! And that gave me a sense of security. But I followed her train of thought and challenged myself to look for a new way in which I could view dependency. I had not refreshed the word dependency for a few years and it was time for an update. And what i found was remarkable: I always despised dependency because I had a certain alure towards it. I secretly liked it very much, but I stopped liking it when my body and mind chose very akward human beings to be dependent on. My father for instance. But now, I was in this relationship with this women who was healthy, clear, strong, passionate, reliable, sustainable, very soft; she completely and utterly accepted my journey through life and she was sexy as the devine goddes of love herself. In short, she was the perfect human to be dependent on. And I began to see that I could overcome my insecurities. I pride myself on the many faces, many persons that I could become with a great number of different people. And accordingly, I did not cling to a single face, or a person that I became, because I saw the importance of change. But she opened my eyes. Suddenly I could see that I loved the person I was when I was with her and maybe, just maybe, I could come closer to the truth of things: That there was an essence underneath all the masks that I wear, an essence that was afraid of validating her because she would see my love for dependency and use it against me. But I can easily say that I have connections with healthy women, who are tending to their own wounds and trauma's without even wanting to involve me. And that gives me all the peace that I need to validate the abundance of feelings that exist. So that we can easily fall in love with the fragility of our own human soul and celebrate it with honor, kindness and humour. She displayed a tenderness and enthusiasm that I just couldn't get enough of. Her kisses had the distinct taste of something I had been missing for a long time: Genuine desire and sincere affection.  

It is a great discovery that we are capable to put peace into any work of art.

 Life is an artwork. We are members of the same club and we contribute each in our own way.
And we embellish life with our own unique personality.
These embelishments are diverse. That artwork can be truly wonderful. It is the highly diverse and creative pathway that gives you acces to humble alleys, cascading landscapes and treacherous emotions.

That is what my parents taught me and that is what I am teaching myself.
My father loves to feast on his own bravery and my mother has an oppion about anything. They both are ruling their own kingdom, making sure that they get the love that they think they deserve. I was brought up in their image. I have to make sure I get the love that I deserve. I am ruling my own kingdom and I love to have an oppinion about everything and feast on my own bravery. I have lived with my mother all my life, making sure that I would live in her bubble of time so that she could take care of me and I gave my father admiration and a loyalty that would end in death. I did this because I loved the image that they created. I loved that they ruled their own kingdom. They have personalities that command a room, and the room will be impressed by their appearance and how they walk through it, with confidence and grace. I praised them. But as I grew up, I understood what their flaw was; Both of them had a tendency to interact with me only when it was convenient for them. They didn't teach me the value of staying in difficult situations and see them transform into opportunities for self-reflection and growth. Despite being adept at turning life into a celebration, they struggled to teach me the wisdom of navigating life's complex emotions. It's understandable, considering the circumstances—my father left, leaving my remarkable mother to manage on her own. While she did her best to provide me with a loving and nurturing environment, the underlying pain of my experiences remained palpable. I couldn't fault my parents for their shortcomings in attention and affection; it was a consequence of the challenging circumstances we faced. Instead, I became acutely aware of the systemic inequalities that permeated our society. Despite being born into a world that espoused equality, the reality was far from it. Injustices persisted, impacting individuals and communities worldwide, forcing people to adapt to a system that favored some over others based on factors like income and social status. Many fell prey to the temptation of opportunism, opting to conform to the prevailing inequality rather than challenge it. Witnessing my parents' struggles, I realized the damaging effects of a mindset that divides the shared human experience, hindering our quest for justice and beauty. It became clear to me that I needed to channel the positive energy instilled by my parents while staying true to the natural ebb and flow of emotions. By doing so, I hoped to spread harmony throughout the universe and remind others of a time when we didn't succumb to external systems promising opportunism: valuing them as more important than the gentle protection we can give to internal systems. There was a time when our own sense of fairness sufficed, offering the chance to share happiness, wealth, and comfort with everyone. This could happen because concepts such as happiness and comfort were not given form, they were just experienced. And as long as we prolong our need to give everything a certain form , these concepts, such as happiness and comfort become concepts that are determined and explainable. This transformation is very sad. But i get it, the stream of information and the vast complexity of the universe are both tempting, we are easily drawn to their uniqeness, which makes us want to define it, and this quest to define everything around us makes us educate ourselves. and the education that we receive will be so fantastic that we cannot stop explaining and determine the elements that shape these discoveries. And slowly, day by day, we find ourselves in the middle of a big world full of explainable and determined meaning that is a consequence of our education. This would not be so tragic, if we could see the meaninglessness of our actions. Unfortunatly, we think that our actions are very important and it is neccessary to have an opinion. And so, you might find yourself in a world where the information and the complexity of the universe are not only explainable and determined, or valued but also ruled by the stubborness of humans. This is all very tragic for the ones who just want to experience  the meaning that the universe can have. But somehow, they are forced to put value on the things they discover and things like morality and pressure begin to mold them into a person who forgets the open view that is the source of their positivity and through life's challenges, they get bitter and confused because they adapt to our closed mindset. And if they are lucky, they admit to themself one day that they had wandered off from their original course and they want to go back to the unexplainable universe that is ruled by kindness and exploration. But now they finds themself alone, in the middle of a world where the other people still believe in the stubborness of reality. But here it is, where we are challenged to still belief and not adapt. It is not too late to belief in the kindness and exploration of our own soul. It is not too late to extract some kind of love for our inner world from our mind and expose it to the outside world. I find it magical, to alchemise with our fears and deepest pains and transform them into lightness, softness and care. Even though we don't feel and get the support to extract that love, we find it somehow in our own stubborness. And when the time is right, when we again try to share our love with the world and it find reciprication, than we can begin to put peace into that work of art that is ourselves.